The Oscars have come and gone. Most of the celebs have now retired to their beds – to either sleep or snort snow off a Kardashian sibling’s Gucci. And here I sit on the sidewalk, in my dusty tax and K-Mart sneakers, with Lara Flynn Boyle playing trumpet beside me.

So… the winners.

“The Artist” – fucking amazing movie, deserved every award it snagged. Love that thing. It was, undoubtedly, the best film of the last twelve months.

“The Muppets”‘ “Man or a Muppet” winning Best Song!? Tasty Pollywaffle of a win for Bret McKenzie! Well deserved.

Meryl Streep winning Best Actress for “The Iron Lady”!? Okay, I love Meryl, but this performance was…. all make-up and wigs. Sorry. I think Meryl was probably better in “Defending your Life” or “Evil Angels” than in “Iron Lady” … and that’s saying something. Wonder if the board even bothered viewing the screener for “The Iron Lady” or simply saw ‘Streep’ and slapped an X in the box next to her name.

Award for Best Performance though should’ve went to Ryan Seacrest – his faux look-of-surprise when Sacha Baron Cohen spilt ashes, er, Pancake mix on him…Amazing performance! Wow! You’d almost believe that wasn’t set-up hours in advance after e! negotiated to get the moment from their competitors. Not that It was, of course – – everything you see on TV is live and spontaneous, ask Leno.

But before we get onto the Oscar Winners that were televised, let’s get to some of the awards given out intangibly by the bar flies at the Hamburger Hamlet across the road from the Oscars.

The Untelevised Oscar Winners

Best Cinematography : Whoever got that sweeping zoom-in on JLo’s rump.

Person who traveled furthest to get to the Oscars : Lorraine Baines. 1955.

Actor to have most likely been under the influence all evening : Susan’s hubby was having a staring competition with a camera. Nuf said.

Best Actress from the wrong motion picture : Sean Young, seen celebrating “The Sketch Artist”‘s tardy win for Best Film, Best Actor and so on. She thinks she was refused entry because she had a Catwoman costume on. Nobody has the heart to tell her her 1992 film actually had dialogue in it – just really bad dialogue.

Actor who got his award before his limo even pulled up : Clooney did seem quietly cocksure and more amiable than usual.

Actor most likely refused entry to Elton’s Oscar bash : Tracy Morgan.

Drunkest man of the night : Eddie Murphy’s agent.

Drunkest woman of the night : Whoever wakes up next to Jonah Hill.

Most likely to have had the most fun tonight : Halle Berry and Cuba Gooding Jr.

Actor most likely to be doing ‘the robot’ at 5am : I dunno, who is Renee Zellweger dating at the moment!?

Actress most likely to have made an enemy out of Nicole Kidman on the night : Emma Stone.

Entity that was shamelessly omitted from most winner’s speeches : MegaUpload.

Actor most likely refused entry to Ralph Macchio’s fourth-floor mushrooms and orgy party : Jaden Smith

Most likely to get up to mischief tonight : Maude Apatow and Iris Apatow (Their folks are both at the Oscars!)

Best Christian Name : Octavia. O-C-T-A-V-I-A. Wow. Fit to be a Philip K.Dick book!

Best Presenter : The young girl that kicked off the show with the song-and-dance number… oh.oops.

Best Hair : Richard Wilkins. The people, the wind, the cameras may move… it refuses to. Stubborn flock.

Most likely to be seen dining with Halle Berry 25 miles away : Cuba Gooding Jr.

Oscar guest most likely to turn back into a pumpkin at midnight : Billy Crystal, if he don’t get that face back by closing time.

Filmmaker most likely to be miffed at the Muppets winning best song : Frank Oz.

Actor who was cut from the ‘in memoriam’ just moments before… : Sacha Baron Cohen. Coots have him one last chance.

Best dressed : General Aladeen’s hoes.

Nominee most likely to be firing their agent in the morning : Rooney Mara. Or the horse from War Horse. Or maybe Rooney Mara riding the War Horse.

Actress most likely to believe their career is going to skyrocket after tonight : Sean Young.

Actor most likely to believe their career is going to skyrocket after tonight : The young punks that shared the screen with Jonah Hill in “Superbad”

Actor most likely to be complaining about the food : Brett Ratner – if only because he’s eating across the road from a trash can topped with day-old nachos.

Actress most likely to be heard asking ‘Where can I get me some of that!?’ when Christopher Plummer walked on Stage : Betty White.

Best Transformation from actor to character : War Horse! (Amazing, right!?)

Actor and Actress most likely to be offered a superhero movie after tonight : Angelina Jolie’s a shoe-in for ‘The Invisible Woman’, Billy Crystal’s top-of-the-list to play ‘Plastic Man’.

Most covert Oscar thieves : Rob Thomas and partner-in-crime John Williams

Winners most likely to, er, score tonight : The dudes who look like Rob Thomas and John Williams.

Film that most of the young onlookers scream and chanted for the most on the red carpet : Abduction.

Best Photo Crasher : P.Diddy!

Most noticeable omission from the ‘In Memoriam’ Reel : Eddie Murphy’s Career.

Attendee with the Most Balls : That guy from Megaupload… always working!

Only actor likely to be happy to be content sitting in the Green Room all night : Kermit the Frog

Actor most likely to have left the Oscars unhappy : Whoever’s shoes Harvey Weinstein sprinkled in the restroom.

Actress most likely to have left the Oscars unhappy : Miss Piggy. Wolfgang Puck was serving up some bacon-infused delicacy for entree.

Twosome most likely to be battling in the car-park before the show : Brandon Routh and Jeff Robinov.

Attending Actress and Oscar that just don’t fit : “Here she is, the star of Resident Evil, The Three Musketeers 3D, Two Moon Junction, The Fifth Element and Ultraviolet….”

Most surprising attendee : Jason Lee

Winner most likely to be offered a role in ‘The Big Lebowski 2’ : This guy… (who, by the way, has to get his ‘look’ back to Sam by 6am)

Runner-Up for Best Foreign Language Film : “Any Questions for Ben?”

Runner-up for Best Screenplay : Sacha Baron Cohen’s publicist.

Runner-up for Best Original Score : Christopher Plummer, seen leaving with Emma Stone.

Big winner of the day : Paramount Pictures’ PR team.

The Winners of the Oscars are….

Best cinematography

Robert Richardson, Hugo

Best art direction

Hugo

Best costume design

The Artist

Best make up

A Separation

Best actress in a supporting role

Octavia Spencer, The Help

Best film editing

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

Best sound editing

Hugo

Best sound mixing

Hugo

Best documentary feature

Undefeated

Best animated film

Rango

Best visual effects

Hugo

Best actor in a supporting role

Christopher Plummer, Beginners

Best original score

Ludovic Bource, The Artist

Best song

Man or Muppet, The Muppets

Best adapted screenplay

Alexander Payne, Nat Faxon, and Jim Rash, The Descendants

Best original screenplay

Woody Allen, Midnight in Paris

Best live action short

The Shore

Best documentary short

Saving Face

Best animated short

The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr Morris Lessmore

Best director

Michel Hazavanicius, The Artist

Best actor in a leading role

Jean Dujardin, The Artist

Best actress in a leading role

Meryl Streep, The Iron Lady

Best picture

The Artist

Anyone not agree with today’s wins!? If so, talk to George Clooney – – he’s looking for someone to sheer a vat of Chivas Regal 12 Year Old Scotch with right now.