The Cynical Optimist 12/05/08

Alright, here we go. This edition of The Cynical Optimist is going to be all over the place. Here’s what you can expect: my thoughts on a remake of the “The Creature from the Black Lagoon,” details on the completely pointless sequel to Donnie Darko, and some thoughts about “Bioshock.” Also, I’ve included my “Speed Racer” review for those who have missed it.

Creature from the Black Lagoon: The Remake?

So if you’re a regular reader to the column, you’ll know that last edition I wrote a retrospective on the Creature series, and here we are just a few weeks later with an explosion of news about the classic film’s apparent remake.

The project has floated around for more than 10 years now and passed through the hands of such greats at Peter Jackson and Guillermo del Toro. Jackson opted to remake his childhood favorite, “King Kong,” instead.

Now Breck Eisner (“Sahara”) will be directing the 1954 classic. No offense to Mr. Eisner, but honestly, this guy hasn’t done anything worth writing home about. How did he suddenly luck into a project that once attracted folks like del Toro and Peter Jackson?

“The Creature has been designed, we’ve spent six months designing him,” Eisner told ShockTillYouDrop.com in an interview. Screenwriter Gary Ross, who just so happens to be the son of Arthur Ross, the original’s writer, joins Eisner.

I’m honestly nervous as shit about this. One of my all-time favorite films – an absolute classic – is being put into unsure hands. If you haven’t read the article, it’s a good read. Eisner goes out of his way to assuage the concerns and hesitations long-time fans are having.

“It will deliver action and excitement, but I want it to be scary. The Creature was scary when it first came out in ’54 – it’s not scary today – but that’s what updating means to me, updating the tone of the original. We went top shelf on it. It’s very faithful to the original, but updated.” Eisner continued to say, “We see it as an aggressive sci-fi horror film in the vein an ‘Alien’ or like John Carpenter’s ‘The Thing.’ We want to elevate the source.”

Wow – see what I mean? Seems like a sure-thing right? I have trouble taking his word for it. We’ll have to see how they handle the time period issue. The only way a Creature remake can work is if it takes place in the same ‘50s setting. A creature movie would not work in today’s world of technology, where little mystery is left on the planet. We would quickly dispatch such a creature with newfangled weaponry, snap pictures of it with a cell phone and within a few hours, footage of its capture would be up on YouTube.

All I know is, Eisner is putting a lot of big talk out there, and if he is as truly passionate about the project as he seems, then that’s great. All I’m saying is, he hasn’t done much to back it up. You can have all the passion and appreciation in the world for something, but that doesn’t mean you’re going to be able to pull it off.

As mentioned above, the word on the creature itself is that its design has been kept faithful, but slightly updated. I’m sure ‘updated’ means it has an insane amount of raptor teeth and a big and burly frame like the “AVP” predators instead of the sleek, stealthy creature of the originals.

I’m now stuck imaging how truly amazing a Creature remake would be with Peter Jackson behind the wheel…

S. Darko? CHUT UP!

What a fucking HORRIBLE idea! I can’t believe this is actually happening! Screen Daily recently announced the development of a sequel to “Donnie Darko” titled “S. Darko.” The original films creator, Richard Kelly, is not involved in any way, shape, or form – so that’s great fucking news.

The film will pick up seven years after the first film (and Donnie’s death) when little sister Samantha Darko (now 18 years old) and best friend Corey are on a road trip to Los Angeles when they are plagued by bizarre visions. Daveigh Chase will reprise her role as Donnie’s sister again. Great, maybe we can understand what her poem, “The Last Unicorn,” meant.

The budget is pegged around $10 million, and Chris Fisher (Nightstalker) has been brought on to direct. Wonderful. This movie is going to fucking suck – I’m sorry but this seems more like a ploy by Hollywood to make money on an existing franchise rather than truly develop something creative.

The road trip story will easily cover up the reason why Samantha’s parents and older sister are nowhere to be found in the movie, I’m sure. And being as Frank the Rabbit was solely connected to Donnie, I have no idea where bizarre visions and rabbits will fit into this new, sloppy story revolving around Samantha.

“S. Darko” will be nothing but a waste of $10 million dollars. They might as well burn it.

Bioshock: The Movie?

I’m a gamer. I endure the challenges of being cursed at and belittled by 10-year-olds online, as well as the culture shock of playing 35-year-old dudes still living in their mother’s basement, talking about how they’re the best sniper in the world. That’s great, you’re still a virgin, but that’s great that you can excel with a fake gun in a fake battle scenario. Cheers!

While not as hardcore as those two factions of gamers, I keep informed on the industry and play quite a few games. One of my favorite games of 2007, Bioshock, is getting the film treatment – and it just might work.

Universal Pictures has signed “Pirates of the Caribbean” trilogy director Gore Verbinski to direct and produce an adaptation of the popular video game. “Aviator” screenwriter John Logan is in talks to pen the script. Logan’s work includes “Any Given Sunday,” “Gladiator,” “The Last Samurai” and “Sweeney Todd.”

In an alternative 1960 history, BioShock follows the story of a plane crash survivor named Jack, who must explore the underwater Objectivist-dystopian city of Rapture, and survive attacks by the mutated beings and mechanical drones that populate it. Jack is drawn into a power struggle during which he discovers that his will is not as free as he’d thought.

I actually have hope for this one. Seems like there are competent people behind the wheel of it and it might be the first film of its kind to break the stigma of ‘video game movies.’

Go Speed Racer Go!

In a breathtaking whirlwind of light and sound the ‘60s Japanese anime, “Speed Racer,” blasts onto the big screen with a distinctive flourish of energy only the Wachowski brothers can deliver.

Emile Hirsch (“Into the Wild”) plays Speed, a kid with big, bright eyes focused solely on the checkered flag. Racing is in his blood, and before the little tyke could even talk he was making engine sounds with his mouth.

Speed’s passion for the racetrack is fueled further by his idolization of older brother Rex (Scott Porter), who dies in a mysterious accident, leaving the Racer family in a tragic, broken state. Following in his brother’s footsteps, Speed becomes the driver for his Mom (Susan Sarandon) and Pops’ (John Goodman) independent, family-owned racing company.

After making an exhilarating debut in the World Racing League, Speed Racer catches the attention of a ruthless industrialist named Royalton (the wonderfully venomous Roger Allam), who approaches Speed with a lucrative offer to buyout the family business. It is here that the true core of the film is presented. Speed must decide what matters more: the resources and financial backing of a big corporation, or the love and understanding only a family-owned business can provide.

As is the distinctive filmmaking style of the Wachowskis, “Speed Racer” uses weighty, exaggerated dialogue to elevate the stakes and push the story beyond its limits. It’s in this way that “Speed Racer” actually defies the conventional summer blockbuster. While the film is a pure adrenaline rush, packed with dazzling special effects, there is also a great amount of depth and heart to it.

Amid the hyper-stylized kitschy ‘60s atmosphere, the characters are warm and loveable. Speed’s girlfriend, Trixie (Christina Ricci), is perhaps one of the best translations from anime to live-action thanks in part to her big, beautiful eyes. Then there’s Speed’s little brother, Spritle (Paulie Litt), and his monkey Chim-Chim. They provide the comic relief in the film, which is sure to make children laugh to no end, but may turn off some older moviegoers. Then there are the villains, who are so over-the-top in their nastiness that you can’t help but cheer when they get what’s coming to them.

At its core, “Speed Racer” is a movie about fathers and sons. The film pushes a message of the ongoing struggle between the corporate world and family life. While children will get caught up in the frenetic race sequences and action pieces, older viewers will have an emotional anchor to latch on to, and some thought-provoking material to elevate the eye-popping goodness on screen.

With the help of director of photography David Tattersall (Star Wars Episodes I, II, III), the Wachowskis realize a completely absurd, sugarcoated universe that is somehow tangible and believable.

Tattersall takes the knowledge and experience of working on George Lucas’s predominantly computer-generated prequels and totally blows open the green screen subgenre, making films like “Sin City” and “300” look tame by comparison.

I can’t speak enough about the film’s visual vocabulary, which is so incredibly mind numbing, that it defies possibility. “Speed Racer” is full of escapist, rubber-burning astonishment, but there are a few things that hold it back.

The stigma of “good family fun” will no doubt make teen and young adult viewers hesitant, and the comic relief within will appeal mainly to children. The running time is a bit long, clocking in at 135 minutes. The Wachowskis could’ve no doubt created the same masterful adaptation with less weighty dialogue, but then it wouldn’t be a Wachowski brothers’ film, would it?

“Speed Racer” is an exhaustive onslaught on the senses. I left the theater with a huge grin on my face, like an awe-struck eight-year-old, dreaming of racing at breakneck speeds through loops and over jumps. The Wachowskis have captured the animated cells of the ‘60s cartoon world and transformed it into a living, breathing live-action experience.

4 Stars!