Caffeinated Clint
Don’t tear your video membership card in two like a natural birth gone wrong, hang onto it! There’s a few flicks coming out next year that you’ll only be able to watch on a telly!
1. Game of Death
Stars Wesley Snipes, Gary Daniels, Zoe Bell, Robert Davi
What is it? One of Snipes’ last flicks before the gavel came down and he was shipped off to shower with a 200-pound gorilla named ‘Tiny’. In this one, he again plays the hero – when he should be playing the villain (I know you “New Jack City” and “Demolition Man” fans agree) – a special-ops agent assigned the task of bringing down “Expendables” rogue Gary Daniels, who is running a very lucrative arms dealership.
2. In the Name of the King 2
Stars Dolph Lundgren
What is it? A Uwe Boll film. Does Lundgren really need to do this? Particuarly with “The Expendables 2” gearing up? You know the bits of yellow soap you see sitting at the bottom of the urinal in public restrooms? They’re Uwe Boll films. We like to piss on them. This one stars Lundgren as a guy who travels back in time to do… something. Let me know what it’s like, because I won’t be checking it out.
3. Universal Soldier 4 : A New Dimension
Stars Jean-Claude Van Damme, Dolph Lundgren
What is it? The follow-up to last year’s surprisingly decent ‘’Universal Soldier : Regeneration’’, with John Hyams back behind the megaphone, and both Van Damme and Lundgren [somehow] resurrected to play another game of throw the robot. There’s talk of this one being released in 3D, but I think they’d be wasting their money there… nobody’s really that crazy about watching 3D films at home yet, unless of course it’s “Barb Wire 3D”… and they’ve yet to announce that.
4. Weapon
Stars Jean-Claude Van Damme, Scott Adkins, Kevin Chapman
What is it? Apparently it’s a pretty decent two-hander with Van Damme and Adkins (“X-Men Origins : Wolverine”) playing tough guys, both skilled in different weaponry, who team up to take down a drug cartel. At one stage this was planned as a Van Damme/Steven Seagal vehicle which would’ve been fun. Just one question : If both these guys are considered lethal weapons, and both encompass their own arsenal, then shouldn’t the film be titled “Weapons”?
5. Blood Out
Stars Val Kilmer, Luke Goss, 50 Cent
What is it? Luke Goss (‘’Death Race 2’’) says his performance here is the one he’s most proud of. Considering Goss is normally pretty good in most films, that warrants this one worth a watch me thinks. This one tells of a small town sheriff who, appalled at the job the authorities are doing trying to catch his brother’s killer, takes matters into his own hands. Val Kilmer, 50 Cent and Vinnie Jones also star. I don’t think much of the title… reminds me too much of “Blood in, Blood Out”.
6. Cats Dancing on Jupiter
Stars Richard Grieco, Amanda Righetti, Jonathan Bennett, Keith Coogan, Billy Wirth
What is it? 80’s icon – the king of “21 Jump Street”! – Richard Grieco makes his welcome return to film in this fun-sounding thriller about a group of women who, abused as kids, decide to take revenge on any bloke that crosses their paths. “Friday the 13th” hottie Amanda Righetti and “Dukes of Hazzard : The Beginning” muscle Jonathan Bennett also star. They might have to add a disclaimer to the start of the film though : Sorry kids, no tap-dancing moggies in this one.
7. Guido
Stars : Silvana Warnes, Jack Dimich, Gary Busey, Billy Zane
What is it? : Here’s how I imagine the pitch went : “Dude, get this – an Iraqi hitman has got to lug a dead corpse across the country. On his travels he meets Gary Busey, Billy Zane and Armand Assante. So whaddya say? Can I borrow your camera or not!?” In all honesty… I’m sold. The sizzle reel looks fun.
8. Camel Spiders
Stars C.Thomas Howell, Brian Krause
What is it? : A science-fiction’er about a group of fighters that take a stand against (real) creatures of the Middle East that, quite simply, can chomp through anything. C.Thomas Howell is one of the busiest guys working in the DTV market – next year he has no less than half-a-dozen releases due out, including “Wedding Day” with David Koechner and the crime thriller “Restitution” with Mena Suvari and Tom Arnold.
9. Marley & Me 2 : The Puppy Years
Stars Travis Turner, Donelly Rhodes
What is it?: Can keep good, dead dog down. Though in all fairness, I’m assuming this is a prequel to the Owen Wilson/Jennifer Aniston movie or possibly even a spin-off… about a dog who also just happens to be named Marley. Whatever the case, no Wilson or Aniston but there is a dog in it. A couple apparently.
10. A Night at the Silent Movie Theater
Stars : Ethan Phillips, Christopher Showerman, Phil La Marr, Tony Todd, Al White
What is it? A comedy, directed by ‘’Star Trek’’ alum Tim Russ, about a wannabe musician who, stuck in a dead-end job, longs to be a superstar. Muscleman Christopher Showerman joins Candyman’s Tony Todd, “Star Trek : Voyager”’s Ethan Phillips, and always-employed voice-over vet Phil La Marr for the flick. I don’t quite know where the ‘silent movie theatre’ comes into it, but I guess I’ll find out.
11. Scorpion King 3
Stars : Victor Webster, Ron Perlman, Billy Zane
What is it? : Second sequel to the Dwayne Johnson starrer, this time with Webster (of “Melrose Place” and “Mutant X” fame) filling the skirt and Thailand providing the sand. This one is set between the events of that first movie and the last film so no, Brendan Fraser won’t be cameoing (not that he would; he won’t get off his ass to fetch someone a glass of water for less than two grand). Directing is Roel Reine, who helmed the pleasing ‘’Death Race 2,’’ so this should be worth a watch. Big year for Billy Zane next year – he has this, and also “Sniper : Reloaded” coming out. Get excited. Get very excited.
12. The Resident
Stars : Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Hilary Swank
What is it? : A Hammer Films horror flick that, up until recently, was always envisioned to get a theatrical bow – weird huh!? That mean it sucks? Not necessarily… could just be a hard sell… or maybe it just doesn’t have any 3D gimmickry to entire exhibitors with. The film, about a young woman whose landlord takes an unsettling liking to her, stars Oscar Winner Hilary Swank and ‘’Watchmen’’ muscle Jeffrey Dean Morgan.
13. Children of the Corn : The Dweller
Stars : Barbara Nedeljakova, Billy Drago
What is it? A direct-to-video ‘’Children of the Corn’’ movie that Dimension films essentially only made so that they could retain the rights to the series – good excuse as any, I suppose. Directed by genre vet Joel Soisson, the small-screen spookfest centers on a couple who, upon breaking down in the middle of nowhere, encounter a couple… and their weird little boy (I think that’s ‘Corn’ kid, not one of those beautified puppets that are involuntarily entered into beauty pageants).
14. Hellraiser : Revelations
Stars : Steven Brand, Nick Eversman
What is it? : Um, the first ‘’Hellraiser’’ movie ever not to feature series star Doug Bradley! Unsettling, right!? Still, Cenobite-buffs will probably eat this up like a zombie does bruised flesh. Despite the no-name cast, and rumours that the film’s budget didn’t exceed $350k (That’s about the cost of a weekly mortgage payment here at the Moviehole office), Victor Garcia (of “Return to House on Haunted Hill”) is behind-the-camera, so it’s likely going to be worth a peek. Check in the mail Vic?
15. Gallowalker
Stars : Wesley Snipes, Tanit Phoenix
What is it? : Another pre-jail flick for Mr. Wesley Snipes. This one’s a zombie western with Snipes playing an obliterator of the undead who takes a new zombie-killer under his wing. The adorable Tanit Phoenix (“Death Race 2”) co-stars. It was recently announced that Snipes wasn’t available to do the film’s opening narration so a sound-a-like was hired (Just waiting for Carrot Top to announce his anointment to the film on the official website).
16. Almighty Thor
Stars : Cody Deal, Richard Grieco, Kevin Nash
What is it? : The Asylum’s attempt at a “Thor” movie, timed to coincide with the release of Marvel’s much, much, much more expensive film of the same subject. This one stars newcomer Deal as the Norse God, Grieco as Loki, and wrestler Nash as Odin.
17. Mean Girls 2
Stars : Jennifer Stone, Meaghan Martin, Tim Meadows
What is it? : A sequel to the Lindsay Lohan film… without Lindsay Lohan. Or Tina Fey. Or Rachel McAdams. Oh, but Tim Meadows is back! How cool is… yeah, Okay.. no need to sell it. The story revolves around a new high school student, Jo (Meaghan Martin) , who agrees to befriend an outcast, Abby (Jennifer Stone), at the urging of Abby’s wealthy father in exchange for paying all of Jo’s costs for the college of her dreams. Jo and Abby team up to take on the school’s mean girls, the Plastics.
18. Blue Crush 2
Stars : Sharni Vinson
What is it? : A direct-to-video sequel to the surfer-girl flick starring Kate Bosworth and Michelle Rodriguez. Due to pecuniary reasons, both Bosworth and Rodriguez opted out of this one; riding the waves are talented newcomers Sharni Vinson, Ben Milliken and Sasha Jackson. Should be enough bikini-clad women around to ensure we get wet.
19. Never Back Down 2
Stars : Dean Geyer, Michael Jai White, Evan Peters
What is it? : Sequel to a rather sudsy, slap-happy ‘’Karate Kid’’ knock-off from a couple of years back. Points right off the back for this one as dexterous martial-arts superstar Michael Jai White serves as both director, co-star and stunt choreographer on it. It might still be cheesy, but at least the fight sequences should pack a little more punch than a Punch n’ Judy doll. Might be the “Undisputed II” to the original’s “Undisputed” (and only fans of that franchise will know what I’m on about there).
20. Paranormal Whacktivity
Stars : Theresa June Tao, Sasha Formoso
What is it? : Does the title not give it away? It’s a piss-take of Oren Peli’s hugely successfully found-footage movie from a couple of years back. In it, a couple who have just moved into their new home find themselves interrupted by a ghost whenever they try to have sex. So whack.
