Caffeinated Clint
Hello curious friends!
So I’m sitting here, charging a laptop via scary plugs, awaiting for a phone call, and thought it time to get (drum roll!) Caffeinated.…
(The shirt rips, the purple pants spread…. The guy on the apple computer takes over to add special effects to my changing frame!)
… oh, and I should spread a little Christmas cheer… and to remind the world that although Jason Statham’s clearly not Santa he brings just as much cheer and comes with, er, just as much Ho’s.
5 more sleeps till Xmas…. 6 more sleeps till the hangover starts to subside…. 4 more days before you realize you really don’t need that used pair of third-hand underwear your grandparents gave you and try to sway the local department store that it was the place of purchase (when you know too well that they really belonged to a late, smelly uncle whose old clothes were used as Christmas presents this year). Anyone else over it yet? Anyone else just want to take a lumber bat to the twinkly props at the mall? Anyone else feel like responding to the cheery flight attendant who wishes you a ‘Merry Xmas’ with a rather-stern ‘Is it!?’
Yeah, I know… sounds like I need a beer or three. Also sounds like I need a holiday that doesn’t involve rushing from studio to set and back again, and if time permits, stopping by a congested, and understaffed, VIP party at the Hamburger Hamlet. Â Ya know what? I have five minutes now… I might actually tear the lid off (with my teeth of course) a Budweiser. Time for the ear steam to flow south.
I’ll have for you shortly my list of the best and worst of 2008…. But for starters, and if only to prove I can still slip back into skipper infantile mode at any time, I wanted to tell you about a couple of fun movies I had a chance to catch this week. Both did nothing at the box office (say 5% more than “Last Boy Scout”?), and both near made most of the toffy-nosed critics spit up the under priced wine they were served at the screenings, but I tell ya, I had fun with them. And I’m not afraid to admit it. Seems there’s still a place for dense bootie-kickin’ monkey business at the multiplex still. Not everything has to be Brad Pitt voicing a bunny rabbit that ages in reverse (that is what Benjamin Button is about, right? a bunny?), a rushed biopic on Barack Obama’s appointment to the White House (“The Day the Earth Stood Still”) or Clint Eastwood shopping for a good spray-paint deal on his old car (That’d be ”Gran Torino”, right?). So here you have two totally nerdtastic pieces of garbage…. And both play as beautifully as an unclothed Emmy Rossum on the lawn of Madison Square (Tickets selling fast!).
Transporter 3
If ‘’The Transporter” movies can be compared to anything it’s a rock concert headlined by an artist not known to be much of a speaker. The main drawcard in this case are the action sequences standing-in for the music, and the plot amid the ass-kicking? That’d be the unremarkable natter before each song.
If you’ve come to these movies expecting any kind of knockout storyline or memorable character arc and you’re going to be as disappointed as a vampire at a vegetarian buffet. If, however, you’ve a love of watching fast and thick men kick bootie – then go ahead and pick anything off the menu, you’ll be satisfied and then some.
Though suffering a tad from ‘threequelitis’ (the inferiority disease that effects most film’s second sequel – be it ‘’Spider-Man 3”,” Terminator 3”, ‘’X-Men 3”, ‘’Superman 3”) Director Oliver Megaton’s (named after the bomb at Hiroshima, which was dropped on his birthday) ‘’Transporter” sequel delivers on every count you expect it to. Bare-knuckle combat? Check! Ridiculously over-the-top car stunts? Check! Quips as quick as fists? Check! T-Shirts used for strangulation? Check! Jason Statham with his shirt-off? Check!
It, like its predecessors, is a preposterously fun-ride that’s riddled with clichés and doleful writing but saved by eye-popping stunts and fight sequences. The buttons are starting to pop off on this franchise’s cardigan at this stage (it’s starting to feel a bit old-hat, and not only because of the previous two films but the terrific James Bond movies of late) but the thin thread that ties everything together stays mostly in-tact for this one’s brief 1 hour 43 minute running time
This time around suit-and-tie wearing tough-guy Frank Martin (Jason Statham) is pressured into transporting the kidnapped daughter (the uber-freckly Natalya Rudakova; could they not have found a prettier love interest!?) of the head of the Environmental Protection Agency for the Ukraine, from Marseilles through Stuttgart and Budapest until he ends up in Odessa on the Black Sea. Along the way Frank has to contend with the people who strong armed him to take the job (Robert Knepper, of ‘’Prison Break” fame, plays the lead bad guy).
Its script is woeful (are there any characters in this? And what the heck is with this relationship between Frank and the new ‘package’?), the supporting cast are not only weak but they’re hard to understand! (they seriously needed subtitles for some of the sequences featuring French actors), and there’s quite a few flat spots (unlike the first two films which moved a bit faster), but ‘’Transporter 3” doesn’t let fans down when it comes to good old-fashioned fights and car-crashes. There’s some spectacular stuff in here – probably nothing quite as spectacular as some of the grand-scale sequences of the first two films, but still brilliantly choreographed skirmishes and the like. And everyone loves the charismatic butt-kicker that is Jason Statham, don’t they?
If you’re up for a fun, wild ride that’s got the action cranked up to 11, look no further. Oh, and wear your fuckin’ seatbelt!
The Punisher : War Zone
It’s a wonder Jon Feltheimer and Peter Block aren’t sleeping in coffins, biting down hard on deer necks and petitioning Christian Slater to interview them – because they most certainly have a strange liking to blood right now. Whether it’s A positive, O or three-day old brown, Lionsgate have been dousing their recent product in the stuff – and not necessarily just the films that call for the transfusion.
From the ‘’Saw” series to ‘’Hostel” and even Stallone’s ‘’Rambo”, which gushed more than Paris Hilton at a handbag convention, the studio seems to be all-about giving audiences a ‘bloody good time’. And now ‘’The Punisher : War Zone”, one of the most hardcore comic-book movies to ever grace the silver screen, is doing time with the syrup dispenser…. And then some!
Like ‘’Rambo”, ‘’The Punisher : War Zone” plays all the more better because of how gory, ghastly and, er, bloody it is. This property, like Stallone’s series, was never meant to be a squeaky-clean injuries-only actioner – it was meant to be about death, mayhem and hatchet-smashed noggins. But nobody involved in the previous films versions seemed to recognize that.
The lead character in the films is a chap named Frank Castle, a former U.S Special Forces instructor, whose wife and kid were gunned down by criminals as the result of witnessing a mob hit. Now, greasy, unshaven, alone and donning a T-Shirt with a skull on it, Castle’s made it his responsibility to take the garbage out – all of the garbage. No crime family is safe whilst ‘The Punisher’ is around.
The first film version of the Marvel comic, made in 1989 and starring Dolph Lundgren in the titular role, got it half-right – The Punisher just keeps on coming, but the second, starring Thomas Jane in the role, seemed to drink from the ‘’Die Hard 4.0” fountain – it was a much more loyal interpretation of the source material than the previous film but not when it came to the brutality fans had become to expect from a film version of the property. In other words, The Punisher had never really been given the big-screen treatment he deserved – – –
This time around, Castle (Ray Stevenson) sets his sights on overeager mob boss Billy Russoti (Dominic West). After Russoti is left horribly disfigured by Castle, he sets out for vengeance under his new alias: Jigsaw. With the “Punisher Task Force” hot on his trail and the FBI unable to take Jigsaw in, Frank must stand up to the formidable army that Jigsaw has recruited before more of his evil deeds go unpunished. And it’s essentially just death and destruction from the opening frame!
Despite rumoured hiccups during production and some unsavoury press about the film’s script (actor Thomas Jane, expected to reprise his role, nixed the opportunity because he said the script was woeful, and later, director Lexi Alexander was said to have been removed from the film because she delivered something the studio didn’t like) Lionsgate have finally nailed the tone of the toughest comic in history (well, one released under a reputable family name like Marvel). This is a no-holds barred jaunt that’s not so much interested in telling a story (and maybe that’s what Jane didn’t like?) as it is of obliterating bad guys in the most imaginative and disgustingly amusingly ways possible. But with its whacky villains (one reminiscent of Jack Nicholson’s ‘Joker’ character from Batman), it also never forgets it’s a comic-book movie. It’s like Earth and Mars combining to give a realistic but slightly skewed interpretation of a world gone rotten – controlled by a big man with an even bigger gun.
Ray Stevenson (TVs ‘’Rome”) plays Frank Castle this time. He’s quite different to Tom Jane. For one, you believe he could actually take out the criminal underworld himself, as opposed to Jane who, though good in the role, did come across mainly as just a ‘skinny actor who put on a few kilos’ to play a superhero type throughout his film. You never did quite believe Jane to be the inexorable vigilante he was playing. Stevenson’s big, bulky and almost in a Steven Seagal-sense, an unstoppable tractor that’s determined to keep pushing forward, shredding the competition in his path. He also shows he can be a big ‘softie’ – as played out in his scenes with a widowed mother (Julie Benz) and fatherless daughter who he feels responsible for. He mightn’t give a knock-out performance or anything (Jane’s probably the better actor), but Stevenson looks and acts like you’d expect the guy in the comic book to act like and that might just be more important than getting some sizzle reel footage for once.
In addition, British actor Dominic West and Kanuck Doug Hutchison go wildly over-the-top and maniacal in their turns as the films villains brothers ‘Jigsaw’ and ‘Looney Bin Jim’. They’re sick puppies who, like Castle in some respects, don’t like to leave anyone in their path with a pulse. They’re fun characters. I might go so far as saying they’re two of the most memorable comic-book villains in recent history. No, they’re not quite Heath Ledger-Joker good, but they are good fun.
‘’The Punisher War Zone” knows it’s a comic-book movie – and one that’s free to be excessively ridiculous at times. It doesn’t have that real world feel of say, ‘’Iron Man” or ‘’The Dark Knight” and neither does have it have the solid storytelling of them (the script’s pretty bare-bones) but then maybe it shouldn’t. Some comics are only about bullet-spraying and stern stares – and, as it seems, some movies too. And quite frankly, there’s so much ridiculous fun to be had here that you’ll forget movies need to be as well-scripted as possible before going before the cameras. Jane was right, the script is weak, but he neglected to consider that director Alexander and an arsenal of effects and stuntmen might actually overshadow it anyway.
Let your hair down Tonto and have a good time.
See, not everything has to be dipped in gold, glazed with the ice shavings of a cold chardonnay and poster-designed by Drew Struzan to be considered good (though one of those things might’ve helped the rather tragic “The Spirit” – ouch! Me thinks there might be some asses kicked at Odd Lot Entertainment next week).
If you find yourself with a few spare hours over the Christmas break, why not check out some of these ‘awesome’ guilty pleasure sequels (and I’m not talking about ‘lazy-ass dull sequels’ like Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull or Rush Hour 3, I’m talking about films that might actually be considered ‘good’ by their target market)…. I guarantee you’ll be as pleased as Schwarzenegger at a groping fair with any of them… contrary to what the astute-looking chap in the newspaper said, they aren’t that bad…
Young Guns II
Jon Bon Jovi plays tunes over a hip and happening western backdrop. Emilio Estevez laughs his butt off as he caps a few cowboy asses. Lou Diamond Phillips finally sees the white horse. Man, what a fun movie this is!
The sequel’s good, and a little flashier, but the original’s still the best in my opinion. The ultimate Brat Pack Western. I love it more than cold Hawaiian Pizza – Charlie Sheen, Emilio Estevez, Lou Diamond Phillips, Casey Seimasko, Dermot Mulroney, Kiefer Sutherland… Zod from “Superman II”. Christopher Cain gave us the first, and probably last, rock and roll western here…. and I tell ya, I’m determined to watch it 200 times before I leave this stinkin’ place.
Beverly Hills Cop II
OK, so it ain’t half-as-funny as the original but its one beautifully looking picture! Tony Scott was the master at giving us these sun-drenched colour-bouncing action movies and this is terrific stuff for any sizzle reel. It also feels – unlike that shitty third movie – like a “Beverly Hills Cop” movie. Eddie’s at his best as Axel, Ashton and Reinhold are as fun as ever as Taggat and Rosewood, and Bob Seger’s got one-heck of a song to open up the movie with. Check it out again!
A Nightmare on Elm Street III : Dream Warriors
Wes Craven had a hand in this chapter so that’s probably the reason it leaves the lousy second film for dead – or maybe it’s just because a young Patricia Arquette gets around in a nightie for most of it!?. Also, Heather Langenkamp returns in the role of ‘Nancy’ – no nightie though. More so, there’s a ‘killer’ storyline here. By this stage Freddy Krueger had become the horror community’s equivalent of an Andrew Dice Clay – all jokes – but this is still one of finest moments.
Another 48 Hours
They probably left it too long to do a sequel – it came about 7 years too late, as a consequence those that loved the original had no time to watch it…they were too busy changing nappies and flipping ham steaks in the kitchen – Â but for what it’s worth, this is a fun film. And it’s a good, loyal sequel. Nolte and Murphy slip back into their characters with ease – and though it’s probably a bit light in the comedy department, the action sequences more than make up for it.
I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
I honestly believe this to be a superior film to the original. It just moves better and seems to have more of a fun vibe about it. This one, you’ll recall, sees killerman Ben Willis (my buddy Muse Watson) chasing Jennifer Love Hewitt and her fleshy pals to a holiday resort. Absolutely ridiculous stuff, and Jack Black’s supporting role is simply tragic, but that doesn’t mean it won’t entertain the heck out of you one late Saturday evening. Bring beer. Cheese Popcorn too.
Poltergeist II : The Other Side
I bloody loved this movie as a kid – probably even more so than Spielberg, er, Hooper’s original. It’s bloodier, it’s scarier… and it’s got that freaky old man in it! This is just good all-round sequel that doesn’t exactly build on what was done first time around – let’s admit it, most of it’s a retread – but does crank up the spooks a fair bit. Time to revisit this one “Chiiiillllllld”! I had brunch with “Poltergeist” star Zelda Rubenstein in Los Angeles recently (at a great little Jamaican cafe) and boy did she have some great stories about the series – but especially this sequel in particular.
Die Hard 2 : Die Harder
OK, so it wasn’t exactly thrilling or suspenseful (like the first film) but Renny Harlin’s sequel to the 1988 hit was, if you think about it, the only ‘’Die Hard” sequel that actually felt like a ‘’Die Hard” sequel. It’s set in a confined space, it has McClane essentially on his own – and doing what he does, and it’s about terrorists wanting to bring down a particular establishment. It’s a pretty damn good effort. Watch ‘’Die Hard 4.0”, then watch this…. And tell me what felt more ‘’Die Hard” to you.
Final Destination 2
Better than the first? Yeah, quite possibly. Â This time, it’s a young girl (A.J Cook) having premonitions, and in the nick of time saves several vehicles – and their passengers – from an imminent highway pile-up. Needless to say, death’s not going to give up there, and sets out to knock off all the folks who were supposed to die in the crash. Â The mass highway pile-up at the start of the film is indisputably frightening!
Fast and the Furious : Tokyo Drift
You can only go so far on half-a-tank of petrol, as evidenced by the slothful first sequel in the money-spinning Fast and the Furious franchise – a tale of hot rods and hot bods, aimed squarely at the infantile rev-heads – but what do you get if your tank’s still only half-full, but full of ‘premium’ juice, instead of the atypical ‘unleaded’? Essentially, you get a flick that ends up pretty much at the same spot as its predecessor – in this case, the weak-as-a-gastro-suffering-weightlifter ‘’2 Fast 2 Furious” – but whose journey is both significantly more tolerable, and enjoyable. It mightn’t have featured the original cast – but it didn’t seem to need them.
Hopefully that’ll keep you busy for the next week or two……
I have a film to produce and a phone call or twelve to make, so I’ll let you go, if you let me go….
We’ll talk soon.
Clint
