Caffeinated Clint
It usually take a brave man to admit his past filmish embarrassments, in my case, it only took a few beers.
Here’s the [belch… eek… something just came back up] result :
50 cinematic confessions of the Clintster
1.      Near shit his pants watching “Poltergeist III” at the theater (a decade later, he’d begin work on the fourth film for MGM)
2.      Had the biggest woody for Kim Cattrall circa “Mannequin” (Now I think she’s as appealing as a sticky cushion), so much so he wore the pause button out watching it and “Masquerade”.
3.      When his grandmother asked him to rent her a “good” movie – he came back with “Wayne’s World”. He convinced her she’d enjoy it. She didn’t.
4.      With Pete’s help, Carried a life-size “Terminator” standee back from the video store to his child home home. (Still have back problems)
5.      Pre-ordered the “Secret of my Success” soundtrack from a foreign country – it was that good!.
6.      Went and saw “Center Stage” twice at the movies (though it was my future wife that lured me back the second time). Speaking of, the first film I took my wife to? The fuckin-shocker that was “SuperNova” – – nothing like a shitty Lou Diamond Phillips movie to set the mood, huh!?
7.      Shed a tear the first time he saw “Forrest Gump”. (She’d more than a few tears watching Hanks’s “Bonfire of the Vanities” – I screamed for mumma to help me escape that darkened room!). Don’t even ask about “Turner & Hooch”… that poor friggin dog!
8.      Walked out of the last 20 mins of “The Commitments” to catch a screening of, er, “Backdraft”. Stupid fuck.
9.      In his radio reviewing days, gave “Waterworld” eight-and-a-half stars (burn those tapes, please!)
10.  Spent half of “Die Hard 2 : Die Harder” smooching in the back row. “Kiss Harder!” he requested. Er, yeah.
11.  Took a girl on a date to a “Weird Science/Back to the Future” double feature as a youngster – only to have to have my brother tag along (and sit in the middle of us!)
12.  Went to the first session, on the first day, of “Super Mario Bros : The Movie” (I fell asleep and missed the whole thing). So tell me, was that movie any good?
13.  Never thought much of “Donnie Darko” initially.
14.  Tried to build a spacecraft like the one the kids did in “Explorers” after seeing that film. Unfortunately, mine didn’t take off (kinda like this column).
15.  Enjoyed “Alien Resurrection”. Nuf said.
16.  Quit his job at a fast food outlet so he could go to a “Terminator 2” screening.
17.  Whilst working for the studio behind the movie, actually told punters “Spy Hard is a really funny movie. Buy big!”. (How many Hail Mary’s?)
18.  Near lost his voice singing along to “Wild Thing!” – and screaming every time Charlie Sheen hit the ball – at a screening of “Major League”. (So what!? All the audience was! – – and yes, that’s the story I’m sticking to). Couldn’t evoke the same response out of the audience when he saw the sequel.
19.  The first “Dirty Harry” movie he saw was…. “The Dead Pool” (and even then, I only saw it because it was showing with “Hot to Trot”, the Bobcat Goldthwait/talking horse movie, in a double feature).
20.  The first John Travolta film he saw at the theatre? Not “Saturday Night Fever”, Not “Grease”… but “Urban Cowboy”! (Yeah, that 6 year old really needed to get his priorities in order, didn’t he?)
21.  Fell in love with Olivia Newton-John in…. “Xanadu”. And near probably watched it more times than he’d taken a dump in his young life. (At one stage I even wished that Olivia would magically emerge from one of the paintings hanging in my room!)
22.  Used a fake I.D and deep voice to see “Basic Instinct” on opening day (did the same for “The Color Purple” – later finding out it wasn’t a porno)
23.  Paid money to see nearly every “Police Academy” movie at the cinema (heck, paid money to see most of Steve Guttenberg’s films at the cinema! The shame…)
24.  For his 13th birthday, decided a “Teen Wolf Too” themed party was in order – a night when the highly-anticipated sequel would be played on loop (What’s wrong with Teen Wolf Too!?). I vaguely remember rewinding all the ‘good’ bits of the movie the next day too. Geez I’m embarrassing myself now aren’t I? [Burp!]
25.  The first Bond film he saw at the cinema starred Timothy Dalton…. And we’ll just move right along.
26.  Thought Lucy Deakins was the bomb. (Who? Yes, exactly).
27.  He was convinced that Jack Nicholson’s The Joker would never be topped by any other Batman villain, let alone someone else playing the clown prince of crime. (I also remember thinking the ‘Batman’ video-game for the Commodore 64 would go down in history as a “Street Fighter”-esque classic).
28.  Once snuck into a screening of “Innerspace” (I recall flirting with an older woman in a cowboy hat at a later screening of the same movie. God, she must’ve been real impressed…)
29.  Did work experience at a cinema. Instead of working though, spent each night watching the movies from a darkened section at the back of the theatre. Unfortunately, the same film – “Regarding Henry” – played every night of that week. (I can tell you every word in that movie! Isn’t that some kind of feat?!)
30.  Skipped school to see Kenneth Branagh’s “Dead Again”. (There was nothing else showing! I swear!). Had I not discovered alcohol?
31.  Got disgustingly drunk before going to see Steven Spielberg’s “Hook” and was swiftly removed from the theatre.
32.  Thought “Howard the Duck” was a great film. Thought George Lucas was the great cinematic visionary of all time because of it. Always a bit confused by Jeffrey Jones’ performance in the film though.
33.  His last impression of the great Australian film critic Ivan Hutchison? Watching the man crack up in stiches as Axel Foley jumped around Wonder World in “Beverly Hills Cop 3”. (I sat near him at a screening. He genuinely seemed to enjoy it. I guess he wasn’t well?). A role model was tarnished a tad.
34.  Missed the first 20 minutes or so of “Top Gun” (and will never forgive the man who made me late to that screening) and convinced for years that I’d missed ‘all the important stuff’.
35.  Laughed his bony ass off when Johnny 5 cussed in “Short Circuit 2” (such a funny little robot! Even funnier when he says he’s ‘pissed off’!). Hmm. Yup.
36.  Stood up a date so he could watch “Eddie and the Cruisers II : Eddie Lives”. Sucking face could NOT be better than that, right!?
37.  Always hated Trek – until I saw the one with the whales (just pretend I didn’t say that).
38.  Couldn’t wait to be “17” so that Elisabeth Shue’s character in “Adventures in Babysitting” and he would be the same age, and as a consequence, could date. (What do you mean she’s not real? She’s a frickin’ babysitter! Did you see the shit she had to go to bail her friend out of that situation in the city!? Show some respect! That’s a real woman!)
39.  Learnt all the words to Dan Aykroyd’s “Dragnet” theme song – which I purchased on record (shiny little black discs, kids) – and boy were the kids at school impressed. “”.
40.  Was first in line to see the hilarious new Bill Cosby comedy “Leonard Part 6”.
41.  Couldn’t sleep for weeks after sitting through “Deadly Pursuit” (or “Shoot to Kill” as our U.S readers know it) – especially the moment where the bad chap forces the hikers to jump off the cliff! Very upsetting stuff.
42.  Loved “Saw 2″…. And yet am absolutely sick of the series and refuse to go back to see another. (Still haven’t seen “Saw 4” – do I bother?)
43.  “Harry Potter” and “Lord of the Rings” bored him to tears (I’ve had more fun at a 1st birthday, playing in the balls, and chucking cup-cakes at ‘the big kids’)
44.  Thought “Superman Returns” was one heck of a superhero movie! (Yep, me and three other guys).
45.  Is an admirer of Rob Lowe’s work – even those cheap-ass TV movies he does. (My favourite movie? “St. Elmo’s Fire”. I shit you not).
46.  About a month after she was born, I roped my daughter along to the Drive-In. She’s a seasoned veteran of the outdoor theater now.
47.  Was obsessed with Alicia Silverstone in my teenage years – so much so that I had a wall dedicated to her, er, work.
48.  “Wayne’s World” made such an impression on me that a friend and I did “Clint’s World” as a highschool media project (Later, Pete would do ‘Pete’s World’ – – – idea snatcher!)
49.  Danced in the theater, before and after, a screening of “Footloose” (I don’t even think it was empty)
50.  Liked “Kill Bill Vol. 1” a lot more than “Kill Bill Vol. 2”.
