Caffeinated Clint
THE FOLLOWING TAKES BETWEEN 8PM AND 9PM ON THE DAY OF THE NEW CAFFEINATED CLINT COLUMN
8:01 PM : Bouncing a baby on my knee. She’s getting a bit fussy – there’s only so many times I can show her the ‘Snuggle Bunny Jamster Ringtone’ clip until the novelty starts to wear. I might have to return to this later. I need someone to start taking notes for me – like that fat chick that served [fake] Michael J. Fox’s every need in “The Secret of My Success”. (No, I’m not talking about Helen Slater).
8:40 PM : Hmm, I see it’s been a good week since my last column. Think anyone will notice if I don’t post one this week? Hmmm. Fuck, they probably will. I’ll wake up tomorrow to discover 30 emails from that chap that’s trying to sell me the erectile dysfunction cream (suppose it might make a good present for a perverted uncle or something?) and 30 from you guys, wondering where the always-entertaining never-nice ‘weekly bitch from Clint’ is… even if it’s that’s just the P.S on a “Got any more info on that Goonies 2?” email.
8:52 PM : OK, I think I know who I can tell to fuck off this week, which remake to be complain about, and what youtube clip we can link to. Let’s start with… oh shit, my daughter’s awake. Again. Like Kelly Slater, Hang Ten.
8:56 PM : Hot Milk – it works wonders. Most of the time. On my daughter anyway. And what you don’t see me doing is knocking on the wood table that my laptop sits on. Shit, I can hear her stirring already… I didn’t hit that wood enough, did I? I’m going to give it five minutes though -my wife says I need to do that more. We’re supposed to be let them cry for a few minutes before running in and saving them from the ghastly Winnie the Pooh sticker on the wall… or whatever the heck my bub is crying about (Usually it’s simply because ‘Dad’s up, and I’m not – – and therefore, I must cry until the force is balanced!’). Just let me grab a drink and we’ll get into this…
8:57 : Just twisted the top off a cold one. My daughter will be playing with the cap tomorrow (and typically, it’ll be much more fun to play with than the $300 worth of fuckin’ toys she got for her birthday last month) – just you watch. Whatever the case, it’s cold, it’s wet, it’s satisfying and I don’t get a rash from it – – order me a drink over an evening with Paris Hilton day.
8:58 : God, isn’t it depressing – Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes both dead. Never a huge fan of either guy, but I know they both had their hordes of….. is that five minutes? Charisma’s crying again. Man, never volunteer to work from home, OK!?
8:59 PM : I really should try and train my daughter to sleep before Jon Stewart comes on – I’m always missing it. Anyway, I think she’s asleep – her dummy came out, or the cat walked past, or she had a flashback of me in the shower… whatever was waking her up is hopefully beyond u…. oh fuck. Back in a minute.
9:00 PM : So yeah, absolutely tragic about Bernie and Isaac – two legends of film and film music. Wonder how Matt and Trey are coping with the death of the latter? Wonder if they’ll give him a mention in an upcoming “South Park” episode? Nah, I don’t reckon either. Ironically, both had just done a film together – “Soul Men” co-starring Samuel L. Jackson. Oh, did you see this at CHUD? Freaky hey!? Sam will hiding under Tony Todd’s bed tonight. Or somewhere just as warm. OK, I can hear Charisma stirring again but I’m not going to go running into her room just yet… not just yet. I’m going to try and do that five-minute thing. I sounds like a bit of dialogue from a James L. Brooks production, but I tell ya, I had to hear young ones cry – – it’s the reason I go running straight away. I know they have to learn to send themselves to sleep, and not rely on their folks so much, but I find it very hard to just ‘leave her be’. Anyway, the clock’s ticking… and I haven’t ran back in there yet.
9:01 PM : Stephen Colbert’s on. Funny Guy. Is he still running for Office or whatever he was doing? Or did I dream that? He reminds me a bit of Steve Carell…with a carrot up his ass. Ok, a bigger carrot up his ass. It works for him though. The carrot thing. Both those guys are very rich – and both can see great in the dark.
9:04 PM : God I’m tired. Real tired. Feel like Billy Baldwin in “Sliver”. My bones hurt, my feet are bruised (no kidding, it’s from carrying around a baby all day) and even the ‘Dave’ in my head (No, not Dave Davis, smart ass!) has clocked off. I don’t know whether it’s because I’m juggling three different jobs at the moment (I’m a journalist, writing for magazines and newspapers, but I’m also a rep for PUSH distribution, a U.S film and DVD distrib, and on top of that, I’m now a fully certified manager – taking care of actors) or whether it’s because I’m doing all that plus taking care of a baby every afternoon (my wife is a scientist, and needs to physically be in her lab pouring slushie juice on rats, so it made sense that I take care of the little one in the afternoons, since I have the kind of job/jobs that can essentially be done from anywhere, so long as there’s a phone, computer and ‘Roxy Music’ CD around) but I’m just feeling like Kirk Douglas at a brothel – all these crazy plans, but can’t implement them, cos the legs won’t move.
I’ve had the question before : Do you work AND take care of your baby? Yes, I do. And yes, sometimes she does come to interviews with me. She sat on Seth Rogen’s knee a couple of weeks ago whilst I interviewed him for “The Pineapple Express”. She’s talked to Jon Favreau on the phone. She’s been to meetings. Within the next month, she’ll be updating Moviehole.
It works – thought it is a pretty exhausting way of working.
I’m not complaining, not at all, I’m just joining-the-dots (if only for myself) to see why I’m so bloody exhausted. I guess it’s a combination of all those things… and the constant emails I get from Corey Hart, asking for his ‘Sunglasses’ back. I ain’t got them, loser!
9:06 PM : I don’t know if you saw the piece, but I wrote a little about a movie I saw recently called “Big Stan”. Yeah, the Rob Schneider thing. And don’t hate on me… but I didn’t loathe it like I expected to. It actually was one of the better things I’d seen Schneider in for a while – besides that boxing match he had with Michael Caton over the whole “Chuck & Larry” Vs. “Strange Bedfellows” situation. Pisser. You can check out my review of “Big Stan” here, but basically it’s a reasonably funny, even a tad touching, twist on the old “Longest Yard” scenario…. Only without the sport. It’s nothing brilliant, but its better than you’d think it is – – being delayed for so long. Just another bit of cinema that’s been hit in the head with a shovel, before it’s even had time to get up.
I don’t get distributors sometimes – “Big Stan” has been the subject of more release date changes than Kari Wuhrer’s had on-screen sexual partners, and even now, there’s a black cloud hanging over the latest scheduled release date (end of August I believe – – and since that’s only a week ago, I think it’s safe to say it ain’t happening). I think we’ll see it go straight to DVD.
Much, much worse films get theatrical releases – what the fuck’s that latest chimp thing, “Space Monkeys”? “Space Chimps”? Yes, “Space Chimps”? You’re kidding me right? and how dire is that “Journey to the Center of the Earth” remake?! What a joke! – and yet films like “Big Stan”, “Rogue” (C’mon, admit it Greg, that pissed you off – you’re a very diplomatic fellow, but those Weinstein’s screwed you big time on that. Big Time. Rogue was treated like a piece of peanuty shit hanging over the ass hair of Bob’s behind. Didn’t deserve that. Not at all), “Trick r’ Treat” (one of those much anticipated horror films of the year is coming out… next year. Maybe. Depending on whether or not Warner Bros want to release it. They didn’t this year. They still don’t. They might next year. They think), and “Midnight Meat Train” (the new horror flick starring Vinnie Jones – supposedly lots of fun) is buried like Maddie Palmer in “Twin Peaks” – quickly and cleanly.
It doesn’t matter whether a film’s shit these days – as long as it’s got a sexpot teen, an MTV-friendly soundtrack, and has a ‘number’ in the title, it’s guaranteed to open on 500 screens around the country on Friday.
9:07 PM : Phone Call. Excuse me Muppets. Could be Piggy.
9:20 PM : Business Call. I’ve been pushing one of my acting clients onto a director this week – she’s casting a teenage comedy in California, and needs a recognizable actor to play a white-collar’er. I think he’ll be great for it, I just need her to convince her of that. We’ll see. I think she likes him. Whatever…he’s had a good run lately anyway, even if he doesn’t grab this one – — though I shouldn’t really be taking that stance, since manager’s exist on commissions and without the role, there’s nothing in it for me. Need to be more like Ari Gold I tell myself. I’ve spent the last couple of days working out deals, contracts and negotiating fees for a couple of others, so at least we’ll be able to eat this month – – even if it’s just Golden Gaytimes (that’s an Australian Ice-Cream, not a bleach-blonde Rupert Everett) and Sprite Zero. Oh, and will someone remind me that If I have to write up two deal memo’s in the morning? I keep forgetting!
Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, Moviehole. The column. The Weekly ‘Screw You!’
9:25 PM : I just burped up a little beer – two day old beer. You know beer breath, right? It’s delicious. I guess there’s some still floating around the orifice of my pie hole from Saturday night (we went to the over 28s – — yeah, fuckin oldies). Sexy.
9:26 PM : Watched “The Black Balloon” last night. Hadn’t seen it before. Man, what a good show that is – a real tearjerker, I hadn’t been that touched by a movie since “Dream a Little Dream 2”. Luke Ford is the bomb in that movie – he’s absolutely terrific. He plays a young retarded (er, not very politically correct I know – but the do-gooders have their hands full with “Tropic Thunder” to bother with me this week) man whose basically – unintentionally, of course – making his brother’s life a living hell. Ford deserves some kind of award for the movie. He’s fuckin’ great. And as psyched as I am that he’s now playing Brendan Fraser’s son in “The Mummy : Tomb of the Dragon Emperor”, it sucked that it wasn’t a better picture – he deserves a good vehicle after his “Balloon” turn.
9:27 PM : Speaking of, someone at Universal was telling me that there probably won’t be any more “Mummy” movies – and if there is, they’ll just go direct to DVD. Not surprised. The latest one was as weak as Betty White’s bladder. Still, someone might wanna tell Rob Cohen – he’s planning another half-a-dozen of the things, I believe?
Granted, the latest one hasn’t opened internationally yet – it hits Australia in a few weeks – so it might just make enough money to warrant Cohen’s theatrically-released “Mummy 4 : This One’s Piss Poor”, but I doubt it. He’s doing “XXX 3” next I believe, with Vin Diesel back in the lead, so Cohen needn’t get drunk, bang a tranny, and leave a steaming shit on Fraser’s doorstep – he’ll be too busy applying oil to Vin’s canons. Having said that, I like the idea – Vin doing “XXX 3” – only he should’ve done it five years ago, before his head exploded.
9:35 PM : My baby is asleep. The can is empty. Keith Coogan is still unemployed. I’m thinking my job’s done here.
Oh, before I go… I rewatched “3 Men and a Baby” the other night. Such a funny movie, Such a sweet movie (even more so now that I’m a father)… so fuckin’ retarded at times. I love that cast though – Selleck, Danson, Guttenberg. Tell me they weren’t a great team? I really do think they need to do a second sequel to the film – maybe even entice Leonard Nimoy back to direct? – with the three guys trying to handle tweenage Mary. The original was based on a French film, and it’s since been followed by two sequels – so why not?! An easy Google Translation of the last one’s script?! Presto! Just a suggestion Disney!
9: 36 PM : Oh, sorry, forgot to tell someone to fuck off didn’t I? Um, Er, Let’s see…. Man, you guys are tough….Ok, Ok, Ok…How about those fucktards that axed “Journeyman”!? … while I’m at it, how about those scrotum-scrubbers that got rid of “Deadwood”?… how about whoever greenlit “Prom Night”!?…. and this middle finger goes out to everyone who wouldn’t bother with Moviehole 5 years ago, but now wants “in”… Karma’s a bitch, Mike Myers.
9:37 : He’s in, He’s out! Is Arnie in “T4” this week? I don’t care! It changes every fuckin’ week! I don’t care! Let it be. If he is, he is, if he isn’t, he isn’t. Just be thankful the movie looks OK – – it could’ve been, er, “Space Chimps”. (It might still be).
9:38 : Thanks for the wine, Roadshow! As you can tell, it’s gone to good use. But I would’ve said nice things about you anyway – – promise! (Oh, and I forgot a few people last week in my “I love these publicists” spiel – Sam from Sony, Katie from Roadshow (we go waaaaay back!), and Peta Pokesalot from the Playboy Channel. Rock on!)
…. A LITTLE SOMETHING EXTRA
The Japanese TV promo for one of my favourite films of all time… “Stakeout”.
Asian Dreyfuss is the bomb! “Stake OUT!”. Love it.
