Caffeinated Clint – 18/5/08

The Lion Sleeps Tonight

Here’s my response to this

Hey, Golden Compass, got any room in your dinghy for Chronicles of Narnia? They need a ride.

Next Stop : Shit Creek!

After Prince Caspian’s rather disappointing performance – and I’m not referring to my producing partner Chris Showerman’s performance as the character at the premiere (that guy will do anything for money; licked shit off my sneakers for ten bucks once!) which, word on the street is, was fab! – at the box office this weekend, the future of the “Narnia” series remains in doubt.

First of all, let me just say, the film did pretty respectable business – $19.3 million is a good Friday result, but it’s not a great Friday result.

The Prince’s underdacks are lined with excrement because Disney were hoping the new film would make thrice that – they predicted $80 million – on its opening day.

“Um, but that’s just Friday’s takings. Wait till Saturday and Sunday!”, one Disney representative told the media. “That’s when kids go to the movies”.

Sequels generally open bigger than their predecessor – see “The Matrix Reloaded”, “Pirates of the Caribbean : Dead Man’s Chest”, “Terminator 2” – but in the case of “Caspian”, it just wasn’t to be.

If kids really wanted to see the movie, they’d have seen it. You know it. I know it. The old cigar-chewing fuck up the road, who curses when you brush past his rose bushes, knows it.

If 12-year-old Timmy and his spotty sister Suzie wanted so-badly to see the new “Chronicles of Narnia” movie – and why would they? The first one was about as entertaining as watching water dry on a tiled floor – they’d have gone to see it on Friday. First Day. (Heck, I’d dodge class at least once a month as a youngster to see whatever new Spielberg or Joe Dante flick was releasing that week). They’re not going to wait till after Church on Sunday to go (Warner said something similar in relation to the piss-poor performance of “Speed Racer” – that people would start flocking to it a couple of days down the track. Never happened. That Ashton Kutcher thing is still putting more bums-on-seats than the Wachowski, er, brothers (?) latest.)

If a movie is supposed to be that good – like “Iron Man”, which no kid had trouble getting out to see on the Friday it opened – or if even if the interest factor is high (streaming from advertising), they’ll go see it. Nothing can stop them. Something stopped them this time.

Obviously they’re not that interested – or their friends that did go on Friday told them just how crappy the film was – if the kids can afford to wait two or three days before seeing the film.

Did anyone wait a couple of days to see “The Phantom Menace” when it came out? What about “Harry Potter and the Case of Emma Watson’s suddenly-burgeoning breast?” No. They went. First thing after school (or, as I said, in school hours). Some even went twice.

Not “Caspian”.

Not that I hated that movie myself. In fact, I can’t even comment on it. No one at Moviehole – none of our U.S reviewers, and especially none of our Australian reviewers – can. Why? We weren’t invited to see it. Why? Heck, probably because the studio knew they’d have to work for their 3 or 4 star review from us. Though probably more the case is that the House-of-Mouse, if even just here in Oz, aren’t fans of movie news and rumour websites – especially the opinionated, smart-arsey ‘Hole. They can’t be seen consorting with such low-brow mediums, ya know?

Pity. For Them.

There’s possibly another reason – besides the film reportedly not being that good – that people aren’t coming to “Caspian” . Bad films can make money, if they’re marketed right; if they’re marketed wide.

Have a think about how much extra attention sites like Moviehole could have brought to your film – whether we negatively review the film or not, it’s still press! – had you decided to ‘include’ us in the screenings, interviews, and the online, er, push?

If we’d ran interviews with the cast this week, maybe even a half-positive review of the film, let alone a competition, that might have actually helped put some more cheeks on seats. I can’t guarantee that, but I can imagine it definitely would’ve helped the film in some capacity. We have a huge readership, really nice stats, and I do think people listen to us – they’ve told us – so it’s a wonder you aren’t our ‘friend’ (especially given what we’re about to become – in a month or so; more news on that soon, but it’s the next step for Moviehole).

Another online journalist, who shall remain nameless, says he’s had similar experiences with a couple of different studios.

“Thing is, websites are bad, ya see, and any kind of relationship with them – especially yours; you are opinionated and have a mind of your own, which we love! And they no doubt hate – would signify that they’ve surrendered to the villain. That’s obviously how this one company thinks.

“As you wrote a couple of weeks ago, some studios still don’t realise the power of the Internet. They think we’re going to go away in a couple of years. Ha! Ever notice that films from the studios that do play give-and-take with the websites do better? It could be a coincidence. It might not be”.

Some studio publicists are quick to jump on us when you’ve ran something they don’t like… or think can cause harm to their film. Oh, and we’re expected to “pretty please, remove it instantly”. Yes, usually it’s the same fuckin’ person who wouldn’t return our phone call last month when we needed images of something (for an interview or something else that would’ve only served their film), or the same person who we emailed to see why we weren’t invited to a media screening of so-and-so, and never replied back, who wants us to remove such-and-such from our site immediately.

Ramius, who writes for Moviehole, says we really should stop helping out those who treat us like dirt. “And so should every other website out there! We can’t get anything back from you, in return? Then No! If that’s the way you wanna play, fine. We can throw whatever power we have around too, ya know? And it does amuse me how much ‘power’ some of you think you have? Without our voice… without the voice of the internet…. You’d be still blowing off a newspaper editor, hoping it’d result in a 5-star review for your latest release.”

My friend Amy Adams had a movie out last year called “Enchanted”. She was dead keen for me to see it (since I’d heard so much about it) and give it my two cents. She was clenching fests when I told her I didn’t get an invite to the screening (Since then, a number of other producers, directors and actors involved have got wind of our no-invite situation and helped us out by inviting us to their own staff screenings or private crew screenings). For the record, I loved it. But it’s been few and far between in terms of good Disney flicks of late and that’s…

….Another reason “Chronicles of Narnia : Prince Caspian” could spell the end of the series? It ain’t that much chop (they say) – and why should kids spend their money on that when they can get more bang for their buck with something like “Iron Man” or – as of Friday – “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull”? It’s damn expensive to go to the movies these days (a topic for another day) – you HAVE to be choosy.

Everyone I’ve talked to this week said “Caspian” was very disappointing. “Why do they keep making this shit?” one person asked; “There’s nothing in here for kids”, said another. “You didn’t miss much, mate” said a colleague.

Even before hearing the reviews, I was about as excited as a hooker at an AIDS clinic to see the film. If I wanted to see a preachy religious battle… I’d go down to the local Jewish center and ask the members to sign my copy of “Lethal Weapon”. If it’s anything like the original, I can do without it. I’ll wait for DVD to see whether the Lion’s voice matches the mouth’s movements.

“Narnia”, no “Potter”, it seems.

Sounds like you need to step up your act Disney – in more ways than one, but mostly – in terms of your films. Someone needs to get a Quality Insurance Officer in there to clean up the mess. And it is a mess. Gone are the days of the beautiful movie animated epic (like “The Lion King” and “Beauty and the Beast”) and in their place are glitzy-soulless-fluff like “National Treasure 2”, “College Road Trip” (‘’Martin Lawrence is the new Dean Jones, Clint”) and whatever Hannah Montana release is being pumped into DVD stores. Unfreeze Walt, resurrect The Apple Dumpling Gang, bring back the 2-D animators, take John Ratzenberger off the pay-roll, and have someone head straight to the PR department to help remove the stick, it’s been up there for a while.