Caffeinated Clint : 4/8/08

So, as you may have noticed, the new site got off to a bumpy start – we spent more time down last week, than up, giving Moviehole the nickname ‘Paris Hilton’ (boo-yah!) – but everything seems to be fixed now. We hope.
Our server couldn’t handle the visitors. Plain and simple. It got to the point where we were saying “Man, I hope a lot of people don’t visit the site today” – which is an absolutely fucked thing to say, especially when readers, hits and advertorial commissions are what keeps us going. On any other day, the more visitors the better, but between Monday and Sunday of last week we sincerely hoped Corey Feldman (and he has been visiting – he dropped me a line to say so; he also appreciates our support of “Lost Boys : The Tribe”. He later found out that I’m bonking Autumn Reeser, so is a little unsure how sincere our review is..) would be the only one visiting. That’s an overstatement… it took more than 2 people to crash the server… it took like 3.

But enough bitching about our World War II server that we’ve got 300 old “Duke Nukem” games running on concurrently with Moviehole – because it’s got us back-up, and by the looks of it, we will be here at least until 2030… or the “Star Wars” sequels… whatever comes first (I can imagine giving up on film completely after witnessing the atrocities that would be “Star Wars” 7-9 – can you imagine how painful it’d be to watch a computer-generated Mark Hamill train Zac Efron as the new jedi hero of the show?). Something good has come out of the crash – Holden has finally worked out how to use the forums – well, ‘use’ is probably too strong a word, he’s worked out ‘where’ the forums are (and only because we changed the ‘index’ page to the forums for the past few days). But now that he knows how to find you all in the community, you can probably expect regular visits… if not private messages asking you for information on the “Dukes of Hazzard Vs. Knight Rider” movie they’ll never make.

Long story short, we’re back online – which means, ‘oh fuck! I gotta work again’.

I’ve a big-time scoop for all you loyal “Caffeinated Clint” fans (the rest of you, probably over at Hollywood Elsewhere, won’t be able to hear it – so ‘nerrrrr’!) today.

A very, very, very good source – if I revealed his name, you’d know straight away this was a solid bit of news – informed me a few days ago that “the sequel Corey Feldman has been telling media will never happen”, one “Goonies 2”, is indeed… happening. (And I don’t blame the Felddog for assuming it’s never going to happen either – this one’s been rumoured longer than the talking fridge).

Now I don’t know when it’s going to happen, because it has been on the drawing boards for a good decade now (“Star Trek” and “Transformers” scribe Robert Orci told me today that he was involved in a draft in about 1998), but it does seem to be inching forward.

So what have I been told? well, Warner Bros are finally going to give it the respect it deserves – this will be a large-scale theatrical release.. a tentpole. It will not be a direct-to-video release.

(A source at Warner Bros has since confirmed this – saying they are developing it as a major movie, but won’t share anything other than that. Nothing we didn’t already know though)

We’ve been told that there are writers on the project – and they’re being paid rather nicely for their services too – so it’s doubtful the script will be used as merely a place mat to hold Alan Horn’s sandwich. But god I hope they don’t fuck this bitch up – “The Goonies” is one childhood memory I don’t want butt-assaulted.

I’ve no idea what the script is about, nor do I know how far into the script the writers are, but we’re told that it’ll apparently involve some of the original cast – I doubt Josh Brolin will return though; and even if he was keen, would Warner want to pay him the hefty fee he now gets? Doubtful – and some new cast members. I can’t imagine ‘all’ of the original “Goonies” coming back, can you? I’d think Corey Feldman, Sean Astin and, er, Short-Round would be the most likeliest recruits for a reprise… if only because they haven’t disappeared off-the-map (Martha Plimpton where art thou? Keri Green… does she still act?). You never know, ‘Chunk’ might even get a call too – but he’s not very ‘Chunky’ anymore (dude dropped half his weight!), so Jonah Hill will probably step into that character’s shoes. Hollywood – gotta love it.

But there you have it, after years and years of rumours – and even some attempts to get the film up by original director Richard Donner – “The Goonies 2” will soon be a reality. I’m expecting the trades to report this soon enough….. and, of course, pretend that we didn’t say it first.

I loathe remakes of films that still hold up well, but I love sequels – especially good ones. I’m so grateful that Bugs Bunny, or whoever the fuck is running Warner Bros these days (the frog’s retired, right?), didn’t just decide to remake the movie. For once, they’re actually considering the millions of fans of the original film (Meanwhile, every other studio in Hollywood squirts in our mouth via another dozen unnecessary remakes of films made 18 bloody months ago. You watch, they’ll remake “No Country for Old Men” next year) and power to ’em!

I spent some time at Warner in ’06, developing a film (as many know), and gotta say – they did make the best sandwiches I’ve ever tasted. If they continue making great-ass sequels like “The Dark Knight” – and, knock on wood, “Goonies 2” – I might just have to see about getting my ‘drive on’ revalidated there.

Cyndi Lauper is waiting by the phone. Robert Davi books an appointment with his agent. We wait in hope of a greenlight.

Finally, here’s me running down – and I don’t necessarily mean that in a bad way – a few recent pics.

Caffeinated Clint at the Movies

Taken – Spy thriller starring Liam Neeson and tasty Maggie Grace. I say “Taken, despite it’s lackings in the acting department (and script department for that matter – you’ve seen this story before), is a fulfilling three-course meal for hungry action-movie fans. If you can switch your brain off for a while – I find it hard; I’m constantly thinking about something, hmmm, reminds me, did I check the lotto numbers tonight? – you might even find yourself breaking a sweat watching this high-energy “Bourne Identity” meets “Transporter” profusion. One for the crowds, not the critics.” [Read More]

The Mummy : Tomb of the Dragon Emperor – The third “Mummy” movie doesn’t even feature a Mummy! I say “Try as Rob Cohen might, there’s no removing the dust and decay from his “Mummy”. The latest in a long-line of too-little-too-late sequels (big hi to “Mummy” predecessor, Indiana Jones!), “The Mummy : Tomb of the Dragon Emperor” is a grubby flick if ever I’ve seen one. “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull” may have been a joint-the-dots joke, but this one’s a colour-by-numbers bore! Shitty FX? Check! Woeful performances? Check! Crappy script? Check! Recast character? Check!” [Read More]

All the Boys love Mandy Lane – Amber Heard is so hot, people self-combust around her. I say “I’d been hearing about “Mandy Lane” for a while, and only recently managed to catch it. Glad I did. Having lost so much faith in the slasher genre of late – if they aren’t tired remakes of earlier, better movies, they’re cliché-ridden turds that aren’t so much thinking of their audience as they are the – it’s refreshing to see a ‘teen killer’ flick that’s had some thought put into it. Imaginatively written by Jacob Forman, and craftingly directed by Jonathan Levine, “Mandy Lane” is a cheeky horror pic reminiscent of Eli Roth’s exceedingly-fun “Cabin Fever” – lots of gore, but just as many laughs to be had. Like the latter, it’s also got some killer music (lots of golden oldies!), not to mention some great performances – Heard being the standout. Hopefully, like “Fever”, “Lane” manages to find an audience.” [Read More]

Wanted – Angelina Jolie shows James McAvoy how to flip a car in slow-mo. I say “There’s a plot here – – but truth to be told, the power of “Wanted” is in it’s over-the-top and amazing effects. The performances, the storyline and the direction comes second.. even third… to the computer-aided stunts.As a film, “Wanted” is the fluff that hangs from the fluff that’s disattached itself from a larger ball of fluff – no brainer is an understatement – but as a demo for what can be accomplished on a top-of-the-range computer, it’s a sensational sales tool.” [Read More]

Finally,

Don’t forget my birthday tommorrow. I’ll be accepting monetary donations from midnight tonight.

Clint