Caffeinated Clint
Guilty Pleasures that we enjoyed – even though we don’t quite know why.
Movie Title : My Bloody Valentine
Released 1981
Starring Paul Kelman, Lori Hallier, Neil Affleck, Keith Knight, Alf Humphries
Directed By George Mihalka
What is it? :
I don’t dare say a rip-off of “Friday the 13th†or “Halloween†because its, well, nowhere near as good as those, but director (they still awarding that title to folks that can point and shoot?) George Mihalka’s low-budget Canadian thriller definitely humped a Xerox machine sometime after Mike Myers carved his favourite holiday into the box office listings, and Jason’s mum grieved so badly for her supposedly-dead kid she stuck a sharpie in Ren from ‘Footloose’. It’s as much of a commercial cash-in as, well, Valentine’s Day itself is.
Simply bad, but in a ‘So Bad It’s Good’ way (hey, one of those over-opinionated movie websites oughta start up a column by that name!) – the premise alone was enough to warrant price of admission; not that I was old enough to have seen it in a theatre (well, I was technically old enough, but c’mon, which six-year-old kid’s going to want to see this thing over “Flash Gordonâ€!?) – its an overtly cheesy and shamefully ungory (a bit of a ruse really) horror film about a decades old folk tale surrounding a deranged murderer killing those who celebrate Valentine’s Day. It turns out to be true to legend when a group defies the killer’s order and people start turning up breathless… and without hearts.
What’s wrong with it? : Did I mention it sucks worse than Gena Rowlands at a swinger’s party? Well, it does. “Halloween†had class (and, for what it’s worth, some good performances), same with “Friday the 13th†(well, ‘some’ class anyway), and “Black Christmas†– well, it seemingly new it was a tongue-in-cheek splatter flick and revelled in its KRAFT-iness but “My Bloody Valentine� Well, it plays as if its supposed to be absolutely frightening, and devilishly original, but comes off mostly as laughable and cliché. Maybe it was because it was released on the tail-end of all those other [better] slasher movies… or maybe it’s woeful cast (The CW would be proud to have this bunch!) let it down…whatever (or whomever) it was that let it down, mutated it into a turd. All these years later, it ain’t that smelly though – in fact, it’s a fun, curious beast (or maybe I’ve just seen way too many bad “Halloween†sequels now?).
What’s right about it? : It’s fun – as I said, it’s got a premise to die for; not to mention a great villain that could’ve (but didn’t – why the fuck not!? Actually, I’ll tell you why not, Paramount decided against the idea after this one flopped faster than a roof-bound pancake) come back for multiple sequels. And who doesn’t love to see stupid kids – in this case, a group of dimwit miners, knowing too well there’s a potential nutter on the loose, and one whose killed in the mines before, deciding to throw a Valentine’s day bash in a coal mine – get their comeuppance by way of sharp instrument!? And though the gore factor’s relatively low here (get your hands on the uncut version, it’s a tad more generous) there’s some laughably fun creative kills that you have to see to believe – like the lass who gets it in the laundrette near the start of the film.
Why is it so bad it’s good? : I don’t really know – I keep coming back to that divine premise though don’t I? – but it was good enough to warrant a [fuckin marvelous] remake! (Better than this, by the way – now how many films not-starring-Steven-Seagal can you honestly say that about!?).
– CLINT MORRIS
