Into the Woods

As any astronomer knows, just because the stars are out, it doesn’t mean a dark cloud won’t overshadow them.

If movies were made via cook books, Disney’s ”Into the Woods” would seem to have been ripped from the pages of a Jamie Oliver recipe-palooza. It has all the right ingredients – a talented cast (headlined by the likes of Meryl Streep, Emily Blunt,and Anna Kendrick), an accomplished director (Chicago helmer Rob Marshall), an ever-so-trendy ‘fairytale’ backdrop, and a popular template borrowed from Broadway. Seems someone didn’t follow the instructions closely enough though, because this latest movie musical is less Mamma Mia! and more “Mamma MIA!!!?”.

A once-pretty witch (Meryl Streep) has a curse on a baker (James Corden, reprising his role from the stage version) and his wife (Emily Blunt) preventing them from having a child. But there is a fix – for both the witch (whose beauty will be restored) and the childless couple. Three days before the rise of a blue moon, they venture ‘into the woods’ to find the ingredients that will turn things around: a milk-white cow, hair as yellow as corn, a blood-red cape, and a slipper of gold. Along the way, they meet Cinderella (Anna Kendrick), Little Red Riding Hood (Lilla Crawford), Rapunzel (Mackenzie Mauzy) and Jack (Daniel Huttlestone), each one on a quest to fulfill a wish. And yes, all sing.

As the result of the curse of a once-beautiful witch (Meryl Streep), a baker (James Corden) and his wife (Emily Blunt) are childless. Three days before the rise of a blue moon, they venture As if inspiring to be the next Cool World or , the vibrant but vigourless “Into the Woods” seems less interested in impressing and entertaining audiences, than it does of rolling out it’s big-money-can-only-buy cast… in crappy make-up, singing even crappier songs.

Everyone in the thing looks unbelievably bored – from Streep’s Wicked Witch to Johnny Depp’s Big Bad Wolf (he’s only in it for five minutes or so – just long enough for Disney to buy him that new condo in Paris), these usually-commanding thesps get about like exhausted extras from “Full Metal Jacket”. As if they were convinced the film’s songs and costumes would steal their scenes, the cast- well, maybe Chris Pine and Billy Magnussen, as the film’s Prince’s, who team for the film’s most memorable scene and song – text their performances in.

With most movie musicals, even if the script is bad, or the performances are poor, the songs are good – but ”Into the Woods” doesn’t even get that much right. James Cameron might want to send his deep-sea exploratory vessel down to the surface of the sea… because this one’s going down.