Caffeinated Clint
Just because, as Joe Dante says “Hollywood is its worst enemy” when it comes to 3D, doesn’t mean the gimmick, er, tool has been damaged beyond fix. Even if it has, like a lengthy garden hose complete with hard-to-patch punctures, they’ll keep using it.
Now we know about those upcoming films that have likely made good use of 3D – like the well-received “Adventures of young Sherlock Tintin and the Kingdom of the Crystal…” or whatever it’s called, Martin Scorsese’s “Hugo”, and James Cameron’s recently-previewed “Titanic 3D” (‘prepared to get squirted in the eye! – PG style!’). But there’s about a hundred, if not more, 3D films also on the way that you won’t hear as much about. Here, for your uncomfortable ear-chafing pleasure, are 20 new and upcoming 3D films you mightn’t have heard about.
20. Zambezia 3D
Jeff Goldblum, Leonard Nimoy, Samuel L.Jackson, Abigail Breslin and Richard E. Grant lend their lungs to a “Rio”-esque CG birdy flick, produced in South Africa. I’m betting Nimoy’s character is an elderly snake who backstabs his friends in the third reel.
On the edge of a majestic waterfall, nestled in the shell of an enormous Baobab tree is a bustling city of birds called Zambezia. Famous for being the safest city in all of Africa, Zambezia has become the breeding sanctuary throughout the river valley where birds of every feather can flock together in harmony and peace.
Kai (a young Falcon) leaves his remote outpost against his Father’s wishes to join the prestigious Hurricane defense flyers that patrol the skies keeping Zambezia safe. Kai’s father goes after him but is captured by the notorious Budzo, a giant lizard who has conspired with the scavenging Marabous to take over Zambezia. Kai learns of his father’s capture and finds himself at the centre of that deadly plot. If Kai is to save Zambezia, he will have to learn that not all battles are won with fast and fancy flying.
Set in the spectacular Zambezi River Valley, the film draws on this unique natural environment as its inspiration – an inspiration which can be seen in the beautiful, quintessentially African elements of the film
19. Universal Soldier : A New Dimension
Probably doesn’t need any introduction, we’ve spoken of it many times before. John Hyams, director of the surprisingly decent “Universal Soldier : Regeneration”, resurrects Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren from -B-movie obscurity whatever fridge their UniSol frames were packed away in. Scott Adkins is also in it. According to producer Courtney Solomon, this thing may get a theatrical release because it’s turned out so well.
”John [Hyams] made some use of the 3D camera like you’ve never seen before. He didn’t use it the way that we’re traditionally used to seeing it. He used it as if he was just shooting his film in the same style that John shoots 2D. The 3D is just all around you in places you wouldn’t even imagine the 3D to be. And it turned out great. Yeah. So I am feeling it might turn out theatrical because I think people will be really surprised by the movie.”
18. Animals United – in 3D OUT NOW!
It’s artwork looks like a riff on “Madagascar” – and the meerkat from “The Lion King” seems to have made his way onto the one-sheet – so I’m guessing that’s exactly what the flick will be. Large UK voice-cast, including former “Doctor Who” sidekick Billie Piper, funnyman Stephen Fry and – what the f… – Jason Donovan, suggest it’s a Brit production. Expect something along the lines of “The Kings Speech”, then?
The polar ice-caps are melting… Entire continents are on fire… All around the world man is destroying the natural habitat for all living creatures. The Okavango Delta in Africa is the last paradise on earth where all animals can roam freely. It is here where mischievous little meerkat Billy and his best friend Socrates, a vegetarian peace loving lion, await the same cycle as every year: the annual flood that inundates the Delta and guarantees its survival. Only this time the water doesn’t come.
17. Apartment 1303 3D
More ‘numbers’ in that title than there are on Rob Morrow’s resume; producers might do themselves a favour by simply calling it ‘The Apartment 3D’. Or ‘Flat 3D’ (but wait, that’s what “Clash of the Titans” has since been retitled since its initial release, so that might not work). This is some kind of horror film that pits Mischa Barton against an evil mummy, naturally played by cradle-rockin’ Rebecca De Mornay. Expecting a cat-fight.. in my face!
The US remake of Kei Oishi’s Japanese horror of the same title. A love/hate relationship between a mother and daughter turns into a tale of horror when she moves out and into her first apartment. Some rentals are too good to be true!
16. Attack of the 50-foot Cheerleader
I don’t know that anything really needs to be said here. Roger Corman’s production company is behind the thing; young cheerleader gets into a serum that makes her stronger, sexier and sluttier but it also turns her into a monstrous, hideous beast – a’la Roseanne Arnold. One of my faves Treat Williams (“Everwood”) is in it, but I’m guessing he’ll be ‘poking’ rather than ‘performing’ here.
Sean Young and Jena Sims are also in the Kevin O’Neill directed pic.
Aspiring college cheerleader, Cassie Stratford consumes an experimental drug that grants her beauty and enough athletic ability to make the cheer squad. The drug jhas an unforseen side effect – Cassie starts to grow and grow and grow.
15. Cinderella 3D
… Because fairytale movies are as hip as smart-phone scrabble. Fairly big-budget on this euro production but that doesn’t guarantee a Puss in Boots cameo (unless Roberto Bengini wants to voice him).
When a charming Prince is due to arrive at a small town in the wild-west a gala is put on to welcome him, but Cinderella’s name is kept off the guest list because she is a poor and rough looking girl.
The very night of the event a magician grants Cinderella a night of elegance – she’s transformed into a spectacular beauty and allowed into the soiree.
Cinderella and the Prince are drawn to each other but just before their first dance the party is crashed by pirates and Cinderella has to fight her way out before the magic wears off.
But will the Prince and Cinderella ever find each other again?
14. The Biggest Movie Of All Time 3D
Fox have seemingly severed ties with the ‘geniuses’ behind “Epic Movie”, “Date Movie” and… whatever that ‘Shit’ movie was in which they felt the need to keep the fat guy from ‘Borat’ undressed for the entire duration of the movie. Icon have snagged the rights to writer/director’s Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer’s latest spoof-buster (should I be referring to these as a diaphragm?) which, of course, makes fun of the biggest movie of all time… “The Hidden” with Kyle MacL..er, “Avatar”. Carmen Electra’s boobs may get up in ya face, yet.
In “Scary Movie” we spoofed the creepy teen horror genre, in “Date Movie” we took on cliché romantic comedies, “Epic Movie” we parodied bloated blockbusters, “Meet the Spartans” we lampooned the ultra macho “300” and in “Vampires Suck” we skewered the cultural phenomenon “Twilight”. But our new movie will dare spoof the biggest, boldest and most successful movie ever made – James Cameron’s “Avatar”.
13. The Dog Squad 3D
Not another “Charlie’s Angels” movie apparently. More of a “Beverly Hills Chihuahua”-style talking animals flick with “Encino Man” helmer Les Mayfield wearing the director’s cap. Kids love nothing more than having it seem as if saliva is dripping right in their phizog – ask Bieber.
When a motley crew of stray dogs are thrown into the dog pound, they have to hatch an escape plan fast. Catching an advert for a K9 Police Dog recruitment scheme on the TV, it’s not long before the wild bunch are out of jail and being trained by the bullish Drill Sergeant Pike, where they have just 42 days to be whipped into shape or it’s all over…
Putting their deep rooted trouble making instincts to the test on a daily basis, hilarity ensues at every corner. Donut can’t help but chase all things edible, Hector reminisces about his cross-dressing past and then there’s the small matter of Bert leading a blind man into a manhole. But, working together, the dogs manage to push their lingering insecurities aside, whilst warding off two determined dogcatchers along the way.
The action of ‘G-Force’, the spirit of ‘Cats and Dogs’ and the razor-sharp comedy of ‘Shrek’ combine to make THE DOG SQUAD: 3D a whole heap of fun for the family. Step aside Lassie, there are new dogs in town…
12. Horrid Henry : The Movie 3D OUT NOW!
‘Bout time someone made a biopic about that nasty child actor from “E.T”. Unfortunately, this ain’t it. I can’t be bothered Asking Jeeves, but I assume this one – from director Nick Moore and starring everyone from Richard E.Grant (the face of 3D in 2012!) and Angelica Huston – is based on some kids book.
The first ever British kid‘s movie to be filmed in 3D. When Henry fails yet again to hand in his homework for the umpteenth time, he has no idea that this will set off a chain of events which will see him forming an unlikely alliance with Moody Margaret, the infuriating girl next door, and his irritating little brother Perfect Peter, outwitting corrupt School Inspectors and toppling an evil Headmaster, winning a talent contest and facing his ultimate nemesis with no way out – all because he is trying to save the very school which he has always professed to hate!
11. Hybrid 3D OUT NOW!
Oded Fehr from the criminally-cancelled “Sleeper Cell” headlines the Voltage Pictures release that seems to have ripped a page, literally, out of the Stephen King book “Christine”. Out Now
Late one night, a mysterious car is brought into the Chicago police impound garage after a deadly traffic accident. The garage’s female mechanic, Tilda, and her young, hip fellow mechanics soon discover the car has a mind of its own: it morphs into different cars to confuse them and rather than need an engine to run, it breathes.
10. Justin and the Knights of Valour
Freddie Highmore. 3D. Haven’t we been here before? Whatever the case, much like a trip to Boonie Doon, I suppose we can go back again… if only because of the serenity. What might otherwise been better titled “How to be a Knight”, tells of a youngster (guess who?) who hasn’t got the chops to be a knight, according to his father, but sets off on a mission to become one anyway. Much like Paul McCartney. The voice cast features Antonio Banderas, Saoirse Ronan, Alfred Molina, Julie Walters, Mark Strong, Rupert Everett, Charles Dance and Barry Humphries.
JUSTIN (Freddie Highmore) lives in a kingdom where bureaucrats rule and knights have been ousted. He wants to be a knight but his father, REGINALD (Alfred Molina), the chief counsel to the QUEEN (Olivia Williams), wants his son to follow in his footsteps and become a lawyer. In need of guidance, Justin visits his GRANDMOTHER (Julie Walters), who tells him the story of his Grandfather, Sir Roland. SIR ROLAND was the noblest knight in the kingdom and protector of the King until they were both betrayed and killed by the evil SIR HERACLIO (Mark Strong). Against his father’s wishes, Justin runs away in search of his dream and begins his quest to become a Knight.
At The Broken Eagle Inn he meets TALIA (Saoirse Ronan), a beautiful, feisty and independently-minded girl, who shares his aspirations and whom he eventually falls for. He also meets a quirky wizard called MELQUIADES who tells him where he can find the magical Abbey where the Knights of Valour once trained.
At the Abbey, he is mentored by three ancient monks. BLUCHER (James Cosmo) instructs him in knightly ways; LEGANTIR (Charles Dance) teaches him there is still magic in the world; and BRAULIO (Barry Humphries) who creates magical contraptions, and is responsible for GUSTAV the gas-powered wannabe-dragon crocodile.
Justin, though an unlikely candidate for knighthood, is determined to pursue his ideals. Called upon to prove himself when Heraclio and his minions, lead by SOTA (Rupert Everett), return and threaten the kingdom, Justin saves the day.
9. The Killer in 3D
Yep, that remake of John Woo’s “The Killer” is going to be in 3D… unlike Woo’s last couple of American films which have been 1D.
Jef, a gangland assassin begins an affair with a woman he blinded during his latest hit. The investigating cop’s perceptions of right and wrong change when he witnesses Jef’s display of heroism.
8. Sadako 3D
Latest in “The Grudge” series – the real ones, the captivating Japanese films, not the ‘fuck, I’m walking out of this shit…. did Bill Pullman really just jump off a building!?’ remake crap.
13 years after the original Ring movie, Sadako returns to the big screen in 3D!
Akane is a high school teacher who hears a rumor from her students that there is actual footage on the Internet of someone’s suicide. The footage is said to drive anyone who sees it to also commit suicide. Akane does not believe the rumor at first, but when one of her female students dies after viewing the footage, she and her boyfriend Takanori are fatefully drawn into the horror that has been created by the man who appears in the suicide footage, Kashiwada.
Kashiwada’s intention is to create chaos in the world by bringing back Sadako and the power of her curse. Now Akane has to fight against Sadako and Kashiwada to save the lives of herself and Takanori.
7. The Reef 2
Remember that “Shark Tale” rip-off, “The Reef” from a couple of years back? Well, prepare to get damp. again. Rob Schneider, Busy Phillips, Drake Bell and the Heckler-chasing Jamie Kennedy provide the voices of the 3D shark bait.
Trained in the skills of sea power, Pi the fish can fight a shark, sink a squid or batter any random predator that ever threatens his friends and neighbors on the reef. Unfortunately, being the only hero in town can take its toll, especially when a group of sharks declares that the end of the reef is soon at hand.
6. Dirty Dealing 3D
That’s Dealing, not Dancing (though don’t be surprised if Lionsgate does do the Dirty Dancing remake in 3D). Michael Madsen in 3D?! How long have we been waiting for this!? The film is somewhat of a ‘Robin Hood’ story with a single mother robbing a casino – in the name of her gravely ill son. C.Thomas Howell is also in it. Finalizing all bets…
A single mom working as a blackjack dealer in Vegas is devastated to learn her child has leukemia. When the company insurance denies her claim and the casino owner himself reneges on a promise to help, she and her friends, fellow dealers and ‘Sin Pit Pussycats,’ orchestrate an elaborate con to rob the casino of the money they need for the operation.
5. Prometheus Unbound
Isaac Florentine is one of the best action-director’s in the business – and I tell ya, Blockbuster Video owe him for much of their continued existence. The “Undisputed 2” helmer is working the 3D cameras on this “Universal Soldier”-type flick about some kind of battery-operated assassin. I believe the character keeps his helmet on for most of the movie – good to know Sly Stallone won’t go near it.
A soldier, modified with nanotechnology to be a human weapon, stands between a company of powerful, warmongering mercenaries and nuclear war on a global stage.
Modified with nanotechnology to become a human weapon, a young soldier is the only one who can stop a powerful company of warmongering mercenaries from starting a global nuclear war.
4. Delhi Safari
Another love-letter to “Madagascar” by the sounds, with Jason Alexander, Cary Elwes and Brad Garrett (well, of course) providing the voices for a bunch of forest critters who head into Delhi to attempt to talk the humans out of chopping down their home. Once Steven Seagal gets wind of this, he’ll be wanting to do an environmentally-friendly 3D blockbuster. You wait (‘He’s cleaning up the trash… and will force you to do the same’).
A beautiful day in Borivali National Park – Mumbai goes horribly wrong.
Sultan the Leopard is killed saving his young cub Yuvi as his jungle is ravaged by illegal construction workers. Begum his beloved watches the humans carry the body of the one majestic Sultan. A board announcing the proposed apartment complex is hammered into the ground – the very spot where Sultan had fallen.
The other animals meet at night. Frightened. Confused. The council of elders declare that the humans have taken over their and that will have to move. Leave their home. Yuvi the young Leopard cub tries to reason with the elders . Asking them to do what his father would have wanted to find a solution – not leave their homes.
Bajrangi the hot headed Monkey suggests a full scale attack. To declare battle on the humans. To rule the planet. Bagga the Bear – his effeminate anger managment Guru asks him to calm down. The solution is dialogue not action. theinfuriated monkey reminds the oversized bear that they are animals and do not speak the language of humans. How then will they have a dialogue? Which one of them will speak to the humans?
Air India the Pigeon with short ternmemory loss seems to remember that he knew a Parrot who spoke. Spoke the language of humans. Bajrangi and the animals dismiss the afflicated Pigeon, but not Yuvi. He senses a glimmer of hope.
However, his hope turns to despair as the talking Parrot Alex hates animls. Loves humans and wants nothing to do with the problems of these barbaric animals espeecially this primitive ape and his posse. Besides talking to construction workers in Mumbai will achieve nothing. Decisions are made by ministers. In the Parliament, in Delhi.
Now starts a journey from Mumbai to Delhi. From hate to love. From enimity to friendship as a motley group of five animals travel across India with a message. A message that they discover not only plagues their homes, but the homes and lives of thousands of other animals on the way.
A message to all humans to show a bit of humanity.
3. Night of the Living Dead 3D – Re-Animation
A 3D prequel to the 2006 flick, starring Andrew Divoff. Guessing Romero doesn’t cameo.
Gerald Tovar (Divoff), Jr. inherits the family mortuary and accidentally lets hundreds of uncremated bodies become exposed to toxic medical waste. As the corpses re-animate, Harold Tovar, the mortician’s inheritance-seeking younger brother expectantly shows up, stumbling upon a full outbreak of the walking dead.
2. Untitled Metallica 3D movie
Nobody knows anything about it – only that it’ll be in 3D and feature the Metallica guys. Either way, betting it’s… Some Kind of Monster.
1. Fantastic Voyage
You’ll likely start hearing more about this one shortly, particularly now that producer Jim Cameron and director Shawn Levy have finished their current projects. Remake of the classic flick about a group of scientists who are shrunken down and inserted into the human body (Joe Dante later remade it as “InnerSpace”) that, this time, will apparently fix less on the adventure and more on the romance (Guessing once that chick scientist inside the bod spots the start of a shaft it’s love its first sight?). The 3D is likely going to look sensational since Jimbo’s involved. Just like “Avatar”, you’ll have heard it all before, but not seen it before.
