Caffeinated Clint – 19/3/08

“These sequels will NEVER happen, so friggin’ get over it!”

Howdy Sports fans (funny, I doubt there’s even one in the audience – and no, Air Hockey is not included),

This week in the forums we’re running a poll asking readers to vote for the long-rumoured sequel they’d most like to see. Not surprisingly, most have voted for a “Ghostbusters 3” (though a couple, to my amazement, are dead keen to see a “Ghost Rider” sequel – um, is Nic Cage a member of the forums by any chance, Pete? Can you check that?). It got my vote, too. For as inferior as one would probably be to the original film, lets remember, the 1989 sequel sucked balls… and yet we still enjoyed it enough, didn’t we?… so any kind of third “Ghostbusters” film will likely be greeted with open arms by both purists and children of the Reagan-era. I think just to see Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd and Harold Ramis put on their ‘packs’ again, would be super cool – and they could really play up the whole “we’re too old to be busting ghosts” routine, too. I think it’d work. Even though there’s apparently a “Ghostbusters” announcement happening at Comic Con, I personally don’t believe it’s Sony declaring the start of production on a long-rumoured third film – and if it is, it’ll only be a CGI or animated offering. If “Ghostbusters” director Ivan Reitman knows nothing of a third film than it’s pretty safe to say that there’s no live-action “Ghostbusters” in the works. He’d know, otherwise.
It’s a fuckin’ pity, I’d much rather see a new sequel to “Ghostbusters” than say, half the horror remakes they’re pumping out. And from the looks of that poll, I’m not alone.

In today’s Caffeinated Clint, I thought we’d take a look at ten more movie sequels that, at one stage or another, looked like they were going to happen but for reasons known or unknown, are unlikely to ever see the light of day.

1. Total Recall 2
This is another one that’s getting a few votes in the poll (in the forums). It’ll never happen though, and not just because Arnold Schwarzenegger’s too busy manning ‘Kallivornia’, but because, well, it’s already been done. They took the storyline for the sequel and used it for “Minority Report”. I shit you not. Tom Cruise was Doug Quaid in disguise. Spileberg recycled the plot for what was going to be a Jonathan Frakes-directed sequel to 1990s “Recall” and applied it to his Tom Cruise vehicle.

2. Jaws 5
Each and every year a new “Jaws” rumour pops up. The last one started at the now-defunct movie news site Filmrot.com, and stated that a fourth sequel to Spielberg’s timeless killer-shark movie was in the works at Universal Home Video – yes, Home Video; it’d be a direct-to-DVD movie. As expected, the rumour was discovered to be bogus before it could get much further than, eh, a news item at Moviehole. Years before that there was a rumour that Kevin Smith was going to write a new “Jaws” movie – I doubt there was much truth in that, either. The three “Jaws” sequels were considered failures, why would Universal bankroll another? They wouldn’t. If anything, they’ll do a remake.

3. Back to the Future 4
Get over it, it’s never happening. Michael J.Fox isn’t well enough to ride hover boards anymore, but more so, the creative minds behind the trilogy – namely Bob Gale and Robert Zemeckis – are insistent that the series came to its natural conclusion in part III. I happen to agree. Though I’m sure a remake – they’ll remake everything one day, so don’t sigh – will be in the cards soon enough, another adventure for Marty and Doc, as we know them now, is about as likely as a male pissing directly into the toilet bowl, without any seat spray, for the rest of his natural life. Michael J. Fox told Moviehole a year or so back that he definitely couldn’t do it, if they were to do one. “I’m 44-years-old now and I’m not interested in running around on skateboards!” he says. “I think after 1, 2 and 3 we all kind of felt we had done it. And I think if they did it again now they would do it with a younger cast and just do a different realisation of it, which would be fun.”

4. Elm Street : The First Kills
This, I really wanted to see. It’s a great idea. We’d learn how Freddy Krueger, played by Robert Englund in the “Elm Street” movies, became to be the badly-burnt demon killer we know and love. Englund, who probably wouldn’t be asked back to play a young version of Krueger anyway (but props for trying!), has been flying the flag for this one for years – at one stage he even suggested that a director (John McNaughton of “Henry : Portrait of a Serial Killer” fame) was attached. If that was the case then, it definitely isn’t now. They’re now doing a remake of the original “Elm Street”, and since it’ll apparently include elements of Krueger’s back-story (how he came to be and so on), there’s really no need for this one anymore. Pity.

5. Under Siege 3
I know a fair bit about this project (having been involved in one incarnation of it) but here’s a short summary : It’s an impossible film to get made. Warner Bros doesn’t like Steven Seagal, Steven Seagal doesn’t like Warner Bros. Nobody wants to spend $50 million bucks on a Seagal movie. Nobody how great the script (and there is a good one out there), it won’t happen. I think there’s more chance of seeing Seagal sequelize someone of his direct-to-video movies of recent years – he at least probably owns the rights to those, or is in good with those that do. (On a side note : My good friend Erika Eleniak, who played Jordan Tate in the original “Under Siege”, was sent a spec script for an “Under Siege 3” a year or so back and personally loved it. “I must say I really wanted to hate it !! ….for what it’s worth, I liked it a lot, in fact I liked it so much there is no way it will ever get made !!..lol.. it’s a very “rich” read !! at least one of the most physical action based shows I’ve looked at in along time.”

6. Scream 4
The Arquettes, Courteney Cox-Arquette and David Arquette, were in talks to star in a third “Scream” movie a couple of years back. They were the only ones – Neve Campbell was asked, but knocked back an opportunity to reprise her role as Sidney Prescott – willing to come back for another. Not even original scribe Kevin Williamson wanted to be involved. If any kind of “Scream 4” happens, it’s likely only going to be a direct-to-DVD offering that has little or no connection the original films. Like “Back to the Future”, I think they were sensible ending the series at Part 3.

7. TMNT 2
Never say Never, but last I heard, Warner Bros are abandoning their plans to do a sequel to last year’s “Ninja Turtles” restart. The plan originally, was to do a further two films – the next would’ve seen the heroes in hardshells taking on old foe, Shredder – in the series. Some initial work had even begun on the next sequel. After the lacklustre performance of “TMNT” though, the studio put the sequels on indefinite hold.

8. Gremlins 3
The joy of the original “Gremlins” were the Gremlins, and of course Gizmo, themselves. If they did a third “Gremlins” movie today, our ferocious friends would no longer be terrifically engineered animatronic puppets – they’d be computer generated, and I’m betting not even series’ helmer Joe Dante would want to see that (in fact, I believe he’s dead against it). It wouldn’t surprise me if Warner Bros have explored the idea of a sequel at one stage, but even they’ve probably realised that it’d make – as much as I hate to say it – more sense to do a straight-up remake. Zach Gallighan would probably appreciate the work though. You can keep up to date with all “Gremlins 3” movements – or lack of – on this MSN fan page.

9. Star Wars 7,8, 9
Not gonna fuckin’ happen – not whilst George Lucas can still pee without a bottle strapped to his crotch. Yes, George loves to milk as much of the “Star Wars” universe as he possibly can, but from the outset he always told us there was a “back-story” to tell one day – which he delivered – whilst reminding us that the story most certainly finishes at Episode 6 (aka “Return of the Jedi”), and as far as I can tell, he plans to stick to his guns. In an interview with Coming Soon this week, Lucas essentially said that there’s nothing more to tell after Han Solo humps an Ewok (What?! You didn’t see those deleted scenes?). “It’s a certain story about Anakin Skywalker and once Anakin Skywalker dies, that’s kind of the end of the story”, the bearded one says. “There is no story about Luke Skywalker, I mean apart from the books. But there’s three worlds: There’s my world that I made up, there’s the licensing world that’s the books, the comics, all that kind of stuff, the games, which is their world, and then there’s the fans’ world, which is also very rich in imagination, but they don’t always mesh. All I’m in charge of is my world. I can’t be in charge of those other people’s world, because I can’t keep up with it.”

10. Twin Peaks : A Thousand Angels
David Lynch always intended on doing another “Twin Peaks” movie, following on from “Twin Peaks : Fire Walk With Me” (1992), but after the miserable experience he had on that film – he was forced to edit it down, by the studio, to the point where nobody has any fuckin’ clue what’s going on in it – Lynch essentially closed down the Logging town for good. A company unaffiliated with Lynch, Phoenix Media, once tried to get a sequel up themselves – “A Thousand Angels” would’ve again concentrated on Laura Palmer, so needless to say, was another prequel – but either Lynch never returned their calls, or they drowned in the red tape they kept facing, because the project seemingly died a quick death (I know because the potential producers of it emailed week after week offering up updates on the project and then, suddenly, whammo! They were gone!).