Caffeinated Clint : 2008 Yearbook Edition

It’s that time of year again – the ass-end of it. Batman’s been and gone, Indiana Jones has popped his hip, George Lucas has raped our childhood one-more time over (that one’s for The Fraze), Rachel Weisz has officially stolen my heart (police are on the case) and Robert Downey Jr’s kept well-and-truly out of other people’s beds (as per TMZ). Overall, it’s been a successful year – for everyone but Wesley Snipes.

Hard to believe it has been ten years since Bruce Willis sacrificed himself for Ben Affleck (in “Armageddon”) isn’t it? And Sony cried themselves to sleep every night after seeing those woeful returns on “Godzilla”? And what about “Lethal Weapon 4” – was that whole ‘Why Can’t we be Friends’ finale really necessary? There’s no coming back from that ya know, Donner. Time heals all wounds, hey?

And in a day or two’s time it’ll have been ten years since we first met walking turd Jar Jar Binks (of ‘’Star Wars Episode 1’) and raved over newcomer M.Night Shyamalan’s spooky thriller “The Sixth Sense” (how quick we turned hey!?). And can you believe that ten years ago we were actually rushing out to see a Mike Myers film!? Was our local water supply tainted with LCD – or something!?

Wow, how time flies when you’re typing inebriated-fuelled rants. Liquid courage, the new time-travelling flux capacitor! Speaking of, I’m writing this in the wee hours of the morning, after a rather festive night out with Ms Confoy, Mr Lindsay and some ‘pretty’ green drinks, so expect seem rather ridiculous entries, analogies and salutes. In other words, nothing that different this week than there was last week.

First up, here are 100 things that happened in my/our movie-world this year…

100 Things that happened this year…

1. After many a headache, much stale beer, and umpteenth frantic calls to David and (especially) Pete, the new Moviehole was born. And there’s no looking back! Fuck, why won’t that upload button work!?

2. Sam Worthington promised Moviehole readers that “Terminator Salvation” would rock. He won’t give you your money back if it doesn’t deliver – but he will see that Ray Stevenson replaces him in the sequel if the sceptics end up being right.

3. Ab King continued to inform webmasters that Arnold Schwarzenegger would definitely be in ‘’Terminator Salvation’’ (and in a few months time, we’ll find out if he was right). Ab owns a Delorean, ya see.

4. Indiana Jones came, saw and… fell flat on his ass. And no folks, “Crystal Skull” doesn’t grow on you the more times you watch it, it’s like getting hit in the crotch with a brick-on-a-string over and over again.

5. The women of the world didn’t get their Lindsay Lohan fix this year – oh, hang on, one did (boo-yah!).

6. A new “X-Files” movie was released… or so I read on a forum somewhere.

7. Everyone but, er, Armie Hammer (I still don’t know who that guy is!) was relieved to hear Warner Bros had cancelled plans to do a “Justice League of America” movie – but Megan Gale has promised to keep the dream alive for all of them by mentioning her attachment to the film at any chance she gets.

8. We lost one of the world’s greatest actors, Mr. Heath Ledger. And boy did he leave us one with heck of a performance – that of the killer clown of “The Dark Knight”!

9. We were yet again reminded by the ex-stars of “Deadwood” that the once proposed telemovies were indeed undyingly annulled. Timothy Olyphant was heard crying from the set of “Hit-man” around the same time.

10. New Line went bust. As a consequence, Freddy Krueger’s now sleeping in Jason Voorhees spare room, and Noah Emmerich’s working at the Gap.

11. Warner Bros postponed the release of “Harry Potter and… whatever the heck that new is one called”. They thought it’d be a better idea to give Emma Watson a few more months to grow into the breasts they’ve drawn on her character for the film’s poster.

12. Upon scoring another box office dude (“Babylon A.D”), Vin Diesel caved in and started accepting sequel offers. And If that doesn’t work he’ll grow his hair back and start break dancing again.

13. Brendan Fraser helped Red Bull’s stocks soar a tad higher. He also as good as confirmed rumours he’s Jeffrey Katzenberg’s son.

14. William Shatner was pissed for not being asked back to reprise Kirk for J.J Abrams’ “Star Trek”. Imagine how angry he’ll be when he sees that Wil Wheaton has a cameo as Wesley Crusher!

15. “Friday Night Lights” was saved by a cable company! Just once, before the end of the year, it’d be nice to hear Coach Taylor call the team a bunch of “little fuckers” though wouldn’t it!?

16. Paul Newman passed on. Films will never be the same again. I’m kinda glad he wasn’t around to see “Slap Shot 3 : The Junior League”.

17. Louis, my beloved cat, passed on. “The Shaggy Dog” (I swear, the cat used to watch it!) will never be the same again.

18. America voted for a Black President – – and a giant asteroid wasn’t hurtling towards the earth or anything!!

19. Christian Bale forgot his throat lozenges when filming “The Dark Knight”.

20. Keanu Reeves was cast as an alien – and he’s not even credit as ‘himself’!

21. Patrick Swayze was struck down with Cancer – and the goddamn tabloids have published his obit fives times over! Fuckers…

22. Mark Wahlberg followed up his Oscar-Nominated performance in “The Departed” with… two of the worst films ever made, “The Happening” and “Max Payne”. Hopefully Warner will have you back after going steady with Fox all year, Mark.

23. Miley Cyrus still hasn’t been knocked up. Shocker!

24. “Quantum of Solace” reminded us… just how bloody good “Casino Royale” was.

25. “Grey’s Anatomy” fired an actor for being homophobic, before chopping the show’s resident lesbian character.

26. Clint Eastwood returned with a vengeance with both “Gran Torino” and “Changeling”. Metamucil is the shit I tell ya!

27. The crew of the Galactica found Earth… only it looked a lot like St. Kilda Beach on New Years Day. Darn!

28. Marvel scored big with “Iron Man” but lost out with ‘The Incredible Hulk” and “The Punisher War Zone”. They’re considering cancelling plans for the future Marvel comic movies until Robert Downey Jr agrees to star in all of them.

29. Megan Gale kept talking up “Justice League”.

30. Michael Jackson was reasonably quiet but continued to feel his way around – at least according to the boy scouts who camped out at his ranch for a few weeks at Easter.

31. Tom Cruise won back a few fans with his performance of Sumner Redstone post-Buffet in “Tropic Thunder”.

32. Owen Wilson wished he did “Tropic Thunder” and not Kate Hudson.

33. Jason Statham was kicked out of the Playboy mansion – no, not for touching the girls, but for starring in a remake of “Death Race”.

34. Girls camped out for days to see Edward take a bite out of his beloved’s neck. The next day Mr. Furlong was arrested for physically abusing his wife.

35. A few elder patrons walked out of “Twilight” after discovering Paul Newman had been replaced with some pale faced kid.

36. That new age-reversing cream Daryl Hannah’s using is working so well that Michael Bay offered her a role in “Transformers 2”!

37. “Mamma Mia” had audiences singing in the aisles; “College Road Trip” had audiences screaming in the aisles.

38. Robert De Niro and Al Pacino re-teamed for the cinematic equivalent of a pap smear, “Righteous Kill”. Lest We Forget.

39. It became even more evident that Josh Brolin will never be apart of ‘’The Goonies 2”.

40. Guy Ritchie made somewhat of a semi-comeback by directing “RocknRolla” and leaving Madonna.

41. Quite a few folks got to catch up on some sleep the weekend that – coincidentally – “Chronicles of Narnia : Prince Caspian” was released.

42. “Knight Rider” returned to our screens. Don’t worry, William Daniels never watched it either.

43. Girls flocked to see “Sex and the City : The Movie”. A week later there was said to be a surge in ‘crab cream’.

44. Disney remade “Short Circuit” but replaced Fisher Stevens with a cute robot named EVE.

45. Guillermo Del Toro finally got to make the second part of his “Hellboy” trilogy – a trilogy he now can’t be fucked finishing because he’s got bigger fish (i.e “The Hobbit”) to fry. Selma Blair has invested in rope.

46. Corey Haim scored a role in the highly-anticipated sequel “Lost Boys : The Tribe” only forgot he had to actually turn up in person, not spirit, to film his part.

47. “Journey to the Center of the Earth” hit theatres – proudly sponsored by Panadol

48. Brad Pitt starred in a feature film version of that beloved kid’s book centering on a rascally rabbit named Benjamin Button.

49. Rachel Weisz proved to be one of the smartest actresses in the globe by knocking back the atrocious “Mummy : Tomb of the Dragon Emperor”. Meantime, Jet Li still hasn’t been allowed to re-enter his native country.

50. Hugh Jackman got his Claws out as soon as the bad buzz on “Australia” started to trickle out. Funny that.

51. The Weinstein’s announced they’d be making a “Scream 4” but neglected to say whether or not they’d actually release it.

52. Patrick Lussier shot a film based on the wild love affair between Billy Bob Thornton and Angelina Jolie. “My Bloody Valentine” hits theatres in January.

53. Megan Gale continued to talk up “Justice League”.

54. Jason Patric and Vinnie Chase had a bit of a tussle –must’ve been over whose made the least movies ever!

55. Seth Rogen and James Franco got into some weed, sang bad 80s songs and shot-off guns at Danny McBride’s house. They also all appeared together in the film “The Pineapple Express”.

56. Columbia announced development on a new “Ghostbusters” film. Bill Murray is still counting up…

57. “Lost”, “Prison Break” and “Entourage” only got better. “Smallville” continued to suck worse than Tina Turner backstage at the MTV Music Awards.

58. Adam Sandler won us back with “You don’t mess with the Zohan” and then lost us again with “Bedtime Stories”. He could probably do with a Tina Fey-esque appearance on “SNL” about now.

59. John Travolta in a movie called “Bolt”? Kinda ironic, huh!?

60. Twin Peaks held a town funeral for Major Garland Briggs (Don S. Davis passed away earlier this year) – even Bob came out from behind the cupboard to pay his respects, or so the resident town slut’s diary said.

61. Michael Ausiello jumped from TV Guide to the illustrious EW – and yet Keri Russell still won’t return his calls.

62. Michael Bay reserved his place in hell by announcing he’d be producing a remake of the seminal horror classic “A Nightmare on Elm Street”.

63. Shia LaBeouf broke his arm. They worked it into the storyline for “Transformers 2”. If that’d been Jon Voight they would’ve got the rifle out…

64. VHS was finally laid to rest – along with Joel Silver’s plans for a “Lethal Weapon 5”.

65. Dolph Lundgren made his first step towards a major comeback (with a role in Stallone’s “The Expendables”) whilst Jean Claude Van Damme blew his chances of one by nixing the same role.

66. Twentieth Century Fox had to apply for social security.

67. Uwe Boll is still making movies. Meanwhile, a series of robberies remains unsolved in Germany.

68. Baz Luhrmann’s “Australia” was spotted somewhere “Down Under” the list of the most successful films at the box office this year. Crikey!

69. One of the most homophobic men in showbizness (according to Mickey Rourke) won praise for his role as one of the most overtly homosexual figures in recent history. Sean Penn in “Milk” – grand performance. Believable too.

70. Fox took on Warner Bros over “Watchmen”. As my wife would say, ‘Denny from Grey’s Anatomy’ is worth fighting over, that’s why!’

71. Joaquin Phoenix quit acting. Nicole Kidman started.

72. Bruce Campbell continued to crush the dreams of many by declaring “Evil Dead 4” a non-starter (a bit like that “My Name is Bruce” eh Campbell?)

73. Brett Ratner continued to be offered sequels deemed too good for anyone else.

74. SAG continued to threaten to strike. Anyone else notice that the heads of the committee are all actors who can’t seem to get work any more anyway? I mean, when did Alan Rosenberg last appear on TV?

75. Tina Fey busted guts with her bravura turn as Sarah Palin on “Saturday Night Live” – pity she evoke the same response with “Baby Mama”.

76. Norm McDonald is still M.I.A.

77. Britney Spears attempted a comeback. Nobody but her carers at Arkham Asylum likely noticed.

78. The entire season of “24” was pushed back a year – – – suddenly authorities realized Kiefer could’ve easily have stayed in jail after all. There was no need to rush him out at all.

79. “Mad Men” drew big audience numbers from viewers who originally assumed it to be a portrait of the Bush administration.

80. Frank Miller confirmed what a terrific writer he is – and via his directorial debut “The Spirit” reiterated why he should stay put in that vocation.

81. Megan Gale talked up her role as Wonder Woman in “Justice League” again.

82. Apple released the iphone. Madonna released Guy.

83. Paramount announced they’d be killing Billy Rosewood! How could they!? What next? A “Trek” movie without Bill Shatner!?

84. Christian Slater returned to TV – with the short-lived “My Own Worst Enemy” – and then just as quickly returned to direct-to-video hell.

85. News surfaced that Comic Con might be leaving San Diego. Cocaine suppliers to relocate.

86. “Veronica Mars” the movie!? (Coming to a cinema near you : 2030)

87. Danny McBride was suddenly everywhere – so much so that the guy that wrote “Underworld” is considering changing his name.

88. Kristina Tipton left Paramount. Rumour has it she just couldn’t have stand to see what had become of poor Indiana Jones. I hear ya, darl!

89. John Stamos pitched a “Full House” spin-off series…. to an abruptly vacant board room.

90. Colin Hanks suddenly regretted leaving “Roswell” when he did (Poor guy – “Untracebale”, “The House Bunny). Can’t dad help!?

91. My wife continued to try and enunciate “The Sarah Connor Chronicles” without jumbling her words.

92. Angelina Jolie had a couple more kids. Ironically, Brad Pitt was later spotted dining with ex-wife Jennifer Aniston.

93. Skeletor played Richard Nixon! (Which makes Michael Sheen He-Man… hmm, yeah, I can believe he’d own a puffy pink shirt).

94. Brandon Routh spoke to his old boss at Lucky Strike – – just in case.

95. The best-reviewed Warner Bros film of 2008? The one they don’t want to release – “Trick R’ Treat” (and yet “Fool’s Gold” goes wide!?)

96. Thomas Jane nixed the opportunity to return as The Punisher.

97. Eddie Murphy debunked rumours he’d be playing The Riddler in ‘’Batman 3’’. He unfortunately didn’t dispel whispers he’d be returning as Sherman Klump in a third ‘’Nutty Professor’’ movie.

98. Former Goonies Josh Brolin, Corey Feldman, Kerri Green and Martha Plimpton all returned to big-time films – while Chunk made his comeback on an, er, T-shirt.

99. We fooled Seth Rogen’s mum with our April Fool’s Day gag that he’d be playing Rolf in the next “Muppet” movie! Brilliant!

100. A man was shot at a screening of ‘’Benjamin Button’’ for consistently talking throughout the film. Several men shot themselves whilst sitting in screenings of “Sex and the City”.

10 MOST SURPRISINGLY “OK” MOVIES OF 2008

1. SEX DRIVE

2. LAKEVIEW TERRACE

3. WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS

4. THE PUNISHER WAR ZONE

5. MEET DAVE

6. SHUTTER

7. DECEPTION

8. THE HAPPENING

9. STREET KINGS

10. HOW TO LOSE FRIENDS AND ALIENATE PEOPLE

10 MOST DISAPPOINTING MOVIES

1. INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL

2. RIGHTEOUS KILL

3. BODY OF LIES

4. BABY MAMA

5. ZACK AND MIRI MAKE A PORNO

6. THE PINEAPPLE EXPRESS

7. EAGLE EYE

8. GHOST TOWN

9. BE KIND, REWIND

10. HANCOCK

TOP FIVE TV SHOWS OF THE YEAR

1. BATTLESTAR GALACTICA

2. FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS

3. ENTOURAGE

4. UNDERBELLY

5. THE SOUP

TOP FIVE MOST ANTICIPATED FILMS OF 2009 (AS VOTED BY YOU!)

1. AVATAR

2. WATCHMEN

3. TERMINATOR SALVATION

4. FANBOYS

5. X-MEN ORIGINS : WOLVERINE

TOP TEN MOVIE HOTTIES OF THE YEAR

1. RACHEL WEISZ (THE BROTHERS BLOOM)

2. KRISTEN STEWART (TWILIGHT)

3. AMBER HEARD (ALL THE BOYS LOVE MANDY LANE)

4. KRISTEN BELL (FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL)

5. ELIZABETH BANKS (ZACK AND MIRI MAKE A PORNO)

6. TERESA PALMER (BEDTIME STORIES)

7. AMANDA SEYFRIED (MAMMA MIA)

8. ISLA FISHER (DEFINITELY MAYBE)

9. TINA FEY (BABY MAMA)

10. MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL (THE DARK KNIGHT)

TOP FIVE MOST OVERRATED MOVIES OF THE YEAR

1. WALL-E
2. TWILIGHT
3. MAN ON WIRE
4. BURN AFTER READING
5. DOUBT

TOP TEN MOST RIDICULOUS AND OUT-OF-CONTROL WEB RUMOURS OF 2008

1. Eddie Murphy as The Riddler in the next BATMAN movie

2. Shia LaBeouf as Robin in the next BATMAN movie

3. GRAN TORINO is really DIRTY HARRY 6

4. AL PACINO cameos as the crime boss in QUANTUM OF SOLACE

5. Russell Brand to play Jack Sparrow’s brother in PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN 4

6. Will Smith to play CAPTAIN AMERICA

7. Brad Pitt to play THOR

8. Tom Cruise’s STAR TREK cameo

9. Cancer-stricken Patrick Swayze doing DIRTY DANCING 3

10. Lance Henriksen reprising Frank Black for X-FILES : I WANT TO BELIEVE

Best Interviewees of 2008 (in terms of who was nice, sweet, polite or just a pleasure to talk to)

1. Timothy Spall – I chatted to him for “Sweeney Todd”

2. Shaun Evans – I chatted to him for “Gone”

3. Kimberly Pierce – I chatted to her for “Stop-Loss”

4. Mary Elizabeth Winstead – I chatted to her for “Make it Happen”

5. Keanu Reeves- I chatted to him for “Street Kings”

6. Rob Schneider – I chatted to him for “Big Stan”

7. Seth Rogen – I chatted to him for “The Pineapple Express”

8. Frank Spotnitz – I chatted to him for “X-Files : I Want to Believe”

9. John C. Reilly – I chatted to him (and Will Ferrell) for “Step Brothers”

10. Alan Ball – I chatted to him for “Towelhead”.

The Best of Caffeinated Clint

Why does every recent movie suck balls? – Every time I walk out of a media screening for something that absolutely sucks balls, I can’t help but feel sorry for the unsuspecting innocent punter that’s about to hand over their hard-earned cash – or pocket money – to see whatever I’ve just suffered through.

Studios Vs. Film Websites Who Wins? – Just for linking to a story on another site your business is taken down? A day of revenue is lost, readers miss out, and for myself and co-webmaster Pete, as I said, it was a day of trying to work out what the heck has gone on…

Indiana Jones 4 rant – He might as well have been played by Wilford Brimley, had a cartoon monkey as a sidekick, and Joan Plowright as his love interest! Paul W.S Anderson might as well have directed it, too – fat lot of good Steven Spielberg did with it! I honestly can’t believe that the man who gave us such timeless classics as “E.T”, “Close Encounters of the third Kind” and “Raiders of the Lost Ark” served up something so sloppy for Indy’s fourth – and unlikely final- jaunt!?

Don’t you just hate people that can’t be bothered returning an email? If you’re going to live and die by your outlook express, at least “give” sometimes.

50 Drunken Movie Confessions – Couldn’t wait to be “17” so that Elisabeth Shue’s character in “Adventures in Babysitting” and he would be the same age, and as a consequence, could date. (What do you mean she’s not real? She’s a frickin’ babysitter! Did you see the shit she had to go to bail her friend out of that situation in the city!? Show some respect! That’s a real woman!)

The real-time episode – My baby is asleep. The can is empty. Keith Coogan is still unemployed. I’m thinking my job’s done here.

The Curious Case of the Benjamin Button Screening – Riddle me this Batman, did “Raiders of the Lost Ark” look as good as “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull” in theatres? Depends who you’re asking I guess (Katzenberg’s excluded from answering). For my money, “Raiders” looked like a film, “Crystal Skull” looked like a way-too-perfect and super-sharp video presentation. The colours aren’t as warm with digital. The contrast isn’t even as good. And when shot through a projector, even those digital prints are downgraded.

On behalf of my three personalities, Have a Happy New Year!

See you in ’09 – –

Clint