Clash of the Titans

By Katie Crocker

I have a sweet spot for the beautiful, epic tales of Greek Mythology, and how could you not with these haunting, passionate, dramatic, and sick, gory legends? With such great material to work with, it’s hard to imagine anyone fucking it up. Then, I saw “Clash of the Titans.” Forget about everything you’ve learned or heard about Greek Mythology. Forget about plot, dialogue and character development. Forget passion or even quiet determination. Then and only then, will you be able to tolerate the hour and fifty minutes of this film.

This 1981 remake offers a rather bland rendition of the legend Perseus, (Sam Worthington) a demigod who dares to challenge the gods of Olympia in order to protect the city of Argos and Andromeda (Alexa Davalos) from the chaos of Hades and ultimately the Kraken.

I wish I could say there was more to the film, but the dry description above says it all. The biggest problem was the script, and the decision to turn what should have been a two hour and forty-five minute epic film into an hour and fifty minutes of barely there plot and relationships. It disengaged the audience and failed to elicit any type of emotional response for the characters or produce any sort of entertainment value with thought out action. I wanted to be able to root for Perseus as he entered each battle, not laugh at the ridiculously oversized scorpions him and his warrior friends were riding on. Yet, how could I? The character development was nonexistent! However, the real killer of the characters was the fact that they all lacked personality or an iota of enthusiasm. The hero, Perseus, falls into his role as a warrior almost accidentally and doesn’t display any passion for his fight for the entirety of the film. Yet, the same could be said for the rest of the characters, who offer one dimensional dressing for the leading role and nothing more. The light radiating off of Zeus’s chest offered more of a persona than any of the characters. They barely interacted throughout the film and didn’t provide a minute of amusing interaction. Even the supposed love interest, Io, (Gemma Arterton) failed to offer any sort of relationship, let alone romance. Perseus and Io didn’t even so much as wink at each other, let alone give us a love story. Instead, the writers continuously used her character to tell the audience every bit of history, motive, or solution to any problem for the hero of the story. Near the end, I began to wonder why they didn’t just plop her onscreen and have her read the story of Perseus to the audience. It might’ve been better; at least I would have known what I was in for.

To top it all off, the action sequences were sloppy and looked as though they had been edited twenty times over for the purpose of confusion. The picture was incredibly hard to follow and incredibly dark. I could barely recognize anything that was happening onscreen. From what I’ve heard, this is mostly due to the last minute 3-D facelift to the film. And, speaking of…

Let’s talk 3-D for a sec, or should I say, last minute, lazy ass, 3-D conversion?

I’ll be honest, I’m not an expert on 3-D but then again, it doesn’t take an expert to tell the difference between two pictures. The difference was so obvious that it’ll make your eyes burn. I don’t recommend settling for it. If Warner Brothers wanted to make a 3-D film, they should have. Not the easy fix they carelessly slapped on for possible last minute profit.

In the end, the film is a shallow disservice to Greek Mythology, so I recommend that enthusiasts sit this one out.