Caffeinated Clint
“The Grudge 2” still remains the only film I’ve walked out on in recent years, but I tell ya, there was quite a few this year I later wished I’d run to the exit on. From the wearisome poor-man’s ‘Little Nikita’ “Abduction” (God, anyone else remember when John Singleton use to make good movies!?) to the soft-porn version of ‘Vice Versa’, this time titled “The Change-Up”, Hollywood got it so-so-so wrong on more than a few occasions this year.
Here’s my top 10 worst films of 2011 :
10. The Change-Up
Ryan Reynolds and Jason Bateman swap bodies. Fred Savage and Judge Reinhold did it with funnier results in 1988.
9. Straw Dogs
A remake of a relevant, controversial and unforgettable revenge thriller (starring Dustin Hoffman) that’s only reason for existence seems to be so Alexander Skarsgard can have an extra bit of film to splice into his demo reel – this one demonstrating the versatile actor’s ‘mean side’ – and Kate Bosworth’s boobs can go on vacation without their constricting bra.
This dog should’ve been euthanized.
8. Dylan Dog : Dead of Night
“Dead” being the operative word.
Are you sure Lucky Strike Bowling Alley won’t hire you back, Mr Routh?
7. Arthur
Dudley Moore spits worms and kicks sand as Russell Brand attempts to bring the same amount of charm, wit and side-splitting laughs to a remake of a Moore classic that misses the mark from the get-go.
Whoever thought we’d be longing for Christopher Cross (or for that matter, a Liza Minnelli cameo!?)
6. Mr Popper’s Penguins
Jim Carrey plays a 35-year-old man.
Hilarious!
It’s not even meant to be a joke and yet it’s the funniest thing about this high-concept turd. If only Popper and his pals could book themselves in for a Shark Night, we’d take care of two atrocities in one.
5. Larry Crowne
He may be crowning, but Larry never delivered.
You’d think considering Tom Hanks was wearing the ‘Larry’ mask, and Julia Roberts was playing lead love, there’d be at least something to enjoy in this Hanks directed rom-com? Nope, seems without the rom or the com enjoyment of the genre is unattainable.
4. Trespass
Within the first few minutes of his new film Nicolas Cage, a man whose mission statement has recently been modified to reflect his gyrate elect of money over merit, demands cash from someone on the end of the phone line. “No, it has to be cash!” the Oscar Winning actor cum Johnny Blazing Hairplugs states.
And then again, the clandestine Coppola reminds the person he wants cash.
We get it. He wants cash. In full. Now.
A few minutes later someone else loses control of the wheel and screeches off course and headed towards destruction.
Funny how film sometimes mirrors real life.
3. Don’t Be Afraid Of The Dark
Thank you Hollywood for making fine use of Australia’s actors, locations and steadfast film crews yet again. We’re glad we could get you a major tax break and in exchange be reminded that for a price, everyone’s prepared to be left red and sore from a butt raping. Guy Pearce, Garry McDonald and Jack Thompson need more ice.
2. Abduction
The word ‘vehicle’ has a couple of meanings.
The one the word is more often used in the context of is this one :
any means in or by which someone travels or something is carried or conveyed; a means of conveyance or transport: a motor vehicle; space vehicles.
But it can also mean :
a carrier, as of infection.
”Abduction”, a new teenage action-thriller (giggle) that wants to be its target market’s ”Bourne Identity” (but comes across as more ”Agent Cody Banks”), meshes both meanings. You see, though ”Twilight” alum Taylor Lautner does ‘carry’ and ‘convey’ (with one blank expression) his new vehicle, there’s no doubting the vanilla-thrilla will leave film lovers feeling ill.
Yes, it’s an infectiously nauseating bit of fluff that’s spitting up banal, laughable phlegm the moment the title card dissolves into visual.
1. Shark Night
It’s the fish that John West rejects that makes them the best – sadly, West has no say on what killer-fish films get caught in the Hollywood net. I’ve seen better plotting in one of those hand-drawn animated fairytale flicks – trying to pass themselves off as Disney – you pick up at a department store for $2. And the shark? Harvey Weinstein wearing a fin would’ve evoked more fear.
Dishonorable mentions : “Apollo 18”, “The Killer Elite”, “Bad Teacher”, “Spy Kids : All the time in the World”, “Mr Popper’s Penguins”, “Green Lantern”, “Battle Los Angeles”, “Sanctum”, “The Roommate”, “The Cup”, “Take Me Home Tonight”
