Caffeinated Clint
I can’t say I’m really excited about a lot this year (compared to last year, there just aren’t as many exciting flicks – and the ones that are reasonably enticing, like, say, “Star Trek”, are just hold-overs from last year). But then, Kristen Bell will recreate the famous Jabba’s Palace sequence from “Return of the Jedi” so that should equate to a “Dark Knight” and “Tropic Thunder”, right?
1. Star Trek
Bill Shatner can huff, puff, rant, rave and waffle on as much as he likes – this flick is gonna rock whether his Captain Kirk is in it or not (and despite what the rumour mill suggests, I don’t think they’re keeping his cameo a well-guarded secret. I think he really did get locked in the ‘’Boston Legal” soundstage for the duration of Trek’s shoot).
Kevin Smith says J.J Abrams’ prequel to the original series is a dreamboat of a movie – and it looks it. You only have to click the full-screen option on your windows media player when viewing the trailer to see how amazing this thing looks – and how god damn frighteningly similar the new actors playing the crew look to the old crew!
I’m sure there’ll be a few that won’t approve of this jazzed-up take on Gene Roddenberry’s long-running space saga – but nobody’s probably going to listen to some pimply chap in a tight-fitting yellow skivvy, holding a plastic phaser gun, anyway.
2. My Bloody Valentine 3D
I hate remakes about as much as, well, I hate having sticky-tape applied to my back and then having it consequently ripped off by anyone who considers themselves captain fast-hands – yeah, you know what I’m talking about; and you know how that can happen on a summery evening consisting of drinks and doofus’s. And yes, these remakes usually leave me red too.
Yes, my buddy Patrick Lussier has directed the film, and yeah, maybe there’s a conflict of interest here (Patrick and I are currently working on the film adaptation of “Condition Dead”- which might or might not also end up being a 3D movie experience), but at the same time, I know it’s going to deliver… because…it’s directed by Patrick. The man is the Spielberg of horror – he just hasn’t had the chance to show anyone how capable he is yet, either because of budget limitations, or because Wes Craven’s name is actually the one on the poster. But I digress, I know Patrick has poured his heart, sweat and own pizza-money into this dazzling-looking reinterpretation of the forgettable 80s horror film – and by all accounts, his efforts were worth it. Early reviews suggest the film is funnier than 69Ãng with Jenny McCarthy at a Bee Gee’s concert. If only all remakes could get us into such a dizzy!
3. Watchmen
Fox have got Warner’s testes in a throttlehold at the moment (claiming they’ve some kind of right in the movie; do you think they’d be doing it if “X-Files”, “Australia” and “Babylon A.D” had actually made money? Hell no!) but I envisage Horn’s throng will wiggle out of the position before March – just in time for the film’s big debut (even if it costs them an arm, a leg and a bunch of shares in the “Harry Potter” series).
This one has many a fan-boys Spider-knickers wet with glee (or is that glue?) – It’s based on a rather stupendous graphic novel about a washed-up superhero who sets out to find out who murdered his tight-wearing buddy. And no, Chris O’Donnell isn’t anywhere to be seen. Nor nipples. Nor Coolio.
Directed by Zach Snyder (whose “300” gave comic-con attendees a woody a couple of years ago), its set in an alternate 1985 America in which costumed superheroes are part of the fabric of everyday society, and the “Doomsday Clock” – which charts the USA’s tension with the Soviet Union – is permanently set at five minutes to midnight.
Expect the visuals to be better than anything you see this year.
Unlike the version Fox intended to make, this one stars a relative cast of unknowns including Jeffrey Dean Morgan (Denny from TVs “Grey’s Anatomy”), Carla Gugino (currently appearing on HBO hit “Entourage”), Billy Crudup (last seen giving Tom Cruise his marching orders in “MI:3”) and Patrick Wilson (“Little Children”)Â – I betcha it’s better off for it too.
4. Fanboys
Ten years after (OK, maybe not that long – but it sure does feel like it) it completed principal photography, the Weinstein’s habitually delayed (they’re been too scared to release it) coming-of-age dramedy about four guys from the Midwest drive across the country to honour the wish of their dying friend: to watch ‘’Star Wars: Episode I-The Phantom Menace” before its released, will finally be unveiled (or so the studio says).
They’ve reshot, recut, reorganized and redone most of this movie about four-times over now (the studio wanted the sad ‘cancer’ subplot cut out of the movie – only that’s apparently where the heart of the film lay, so they’ve been forced to restore the element) so hopefully it’s in such good shape now that it’ll be much more than just a stitched-together teen-comedy full of lightsaber jokes and cameos by Lando Calrissian, Kevin Smith and Carrie Fisher, and be more in the “Stand by Me” vein (We’ll even settle for “Detroit Rock City”). And even if it isn’t, why’s this still under lock-and-key while crap like “Disaster Movie” has been playing to empty theatres since mid-year? Heck, this one has Veronica Mars in a Slave Leia costume!
5. Avatar
James Cameron’s been sitting on his ass for a decade now – seemingly polishing his statue, whilst someone polishes his (sorry!). He’s never going to beat ‘’Titanic”- especially in fiscal terms – but he sure as shit can try, and if those leaked piccies and script pages are anything to go by, it sounds like “Avatar” does have more than half a chance of succeeding at the box office.
“Avatar”, headlined by Aussie Sam Worthington (still can’t believe Cameron went with Sam. I love the guy, but just assumed he’d try and coax Leonardo DiCaprio back to his tent), is a science-fiction (yes! Yes! Yes! ‘bout time!) flick about a paraplegic war veteran who is brought to another planet, Pandora, which is inhabited by the Na’vi, a humanoid race with their own language and culture. Sounds like fun!
Next Christmas we’ll see whether Jimbo’s family will be feasting on turkey or sharing squishy in-and-out hamburgers in a New Mexico car park. Somehow I don’t think he’s got anything much to worry about.
6. Sherlock Holmes
Robert Downey Jr could climb back into that kiddies bed again, awaken to take a dump on the little one’s Transformers toys, and piss on the family Christmas tree the following morning, and we will still rush out to see this… and whatever else he does next. Why? Because the man can do no wrong at the moment – he’s a genius. I’ve known that since seeing him suffer through the likes of “The Pick-Up Artist” (and “Saturday Night Live” – anyone else remember his brief stint on the show?) but seems the world’s only now accepted Downey Jr into their hearts. It’s likely due to “Iron Man” but it probably should be for “Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang”. Whatever the case, you love him, I love him… Calista Flockhart probably still loves him.
No “Without a Clue”-style “Sherlock Holmes” offering here – nope, this’ll be a full-throttle action/comedy with, I’m guessing, a divine performance by Downey Jr in the lead and Jude Law as Dr. Watson. I sound confident and I am.
7. Terminator Salvation
This could break my heart like a nympho college-girl with a penchant for loose-fitting blouses – But I hope it doesn’t; I actually hope it rights the wrongs of the piss-poor “Terminator 3 : Rise of the Machines” and gets the once victorious “Terminator” series back on track.
I’m dubious, if only because McG (of “Charlie’s Angels” fame) is directing, but everything we’ve seen so far of the film seems promising – the visuals, the performances (You can’t do much better than Christian Bale as John Connor can you!?), the Mad Maxxian landscape – so I remain optimistic. I’m also pretty sure we will see a fleeting appearance by ol’ Arnold Schwarzenegger in the film too – which should keep fans of the original series at bay.
Hopefully McG screens the film to James Cameron a couple of weeks before release and he gives it the thumbs up. Like a crack-dealing coke-whore, this one needs to be blessed before it can be trusted. Don’t you agree?
8. The Informant
Matt Damon returns to the big screen (has he been on an extended holiday on the ‘’Bourne Ultimatum” takings?) in his umpteenth Steven Soderbergh-directed pic. This one sounds like a winner too – the Bostonian plays Mark Whitacre, an Ivy League Ph.D. who was a rising star at Decatur’s Archer Daniels Midland (ADM) in the early 1990s. He wound up blowing the whistle on the company’s price fixing tactics and became the highest-ranked executive to ever turn whistleblower in US history. Whitacre secretly gathered hundreds of hours of video and audio tapes over several years to present to the FBI which became one of the largest price fixing cases in history.
The script has been described as a mixture of “A Beautiful Mind” and “The Insider” – gotta wonder whether they went out to Crowe first? – if that’s the case, sounds like this’ll be one to look out for at Oscars 2010.
9. Inglourious Basterds
Sure to be better than the badly misspelt title, Quentin Tarantino’s newie has a lot going for it : Brad Pitt, promises of much violence, and a storyline that sounds like the ‘’Dirty Dozen” on Redbull.
Pitt plays the leader of a group of Jewish-American soldiers known as “The Basterds” who are chosen specifically to spread fear throughout the Third Reich by scalping and brutally killing Nazis. Sure to be fun! (With or without Michael Madsen).
I’m as excited as a puppy on a walk to see this one, but at the same time I’m just a tad more giddy about the similarly-themed ‘’The Expendables” – I don’t quite know why, and I think I know which one will end up being the better film. Maybe I’m excited about the latter because I’m a child of the 80s and it re-teams ‘’Rocky IV” opponents Stallone and Lundgren, whereas Tarantino’s biggest names include Pitt and, er, Mike Myers? Whatever the case, they’ll make for a great double-feature at an outdoor theater in a couple of years time.
10. Public Enemies
Michael Mann. Johnny Depp. Christian Bale. Sure to be better than sex with that three-titted piss-pot from ‘’Total Recall”, right!?
Public Enemies looks to be one of the year’s highlights from where I’m sitting (which is by the pool, with a Corona and a slightly damp ibook) – it’s Johnny Depp as legendary gangster John Dillinger, and Christian Bale as FBI agent Melvin Purvis.
I’m really hoping this is Mann’s Heat-with-Tommy-Guns. I’ll even settle for 3:10-to-Yuma-with-Fedoras.
11. Jennifer’s Body
They’ve apparently cut the boobies scene from the movie (surely that’ll be restored for the DVD though?) but I’m still excited in a this-should-be-perfect-for-my-keg-party kinda way about this teen horror/comedy.
Starring Hollywood ‘it’ girl Megan Fox (who’ll also be seen in the “Transformers” sequel – which you’ll notice hasn’t made the list. Just not that excited about it.. yet) and my old pal Amanda Seyfried (who you’ll remember from “Mamma Mia”), this tongue-in-cheeker tells of a newly possessed cheerleader who turns into a killer who specializes in offing her male classmates.
Its writer Diablo Cody’s follow-up to the brilliant “Juno”. If that’s anything to go by we can expect lots of laughs, some very memorable characters, and, most notably, some snack-crackle-and-pop writing.
12. Fast and Furious
Same Model. New Parts. Fuckin’ Love it! Go you Hollywood marketing geniuses, you!
Vin Diesel’s finally realized nobody wants to see his ego-centric leading-man vehicles (“Hannibal the Conqueror” : coming to a cinema near you 2040) and accepts his first sequel (though it ain’t the first time he’s been offered one). This one sees Diesel’s revhead crim re-teaming with Paul Walker’s revhead cop to take on drug-transporting scum… and find out which of them killed someone close to, er, one of them (I won’t say who).
This could be my most anticipated popcorn-flick of the year. I know it’ll end up being merely OK, and I know I’ll walk away hoping wishing I’d skipped it and just revisited the original on Blu-Ray, but having read some script pages for it, and seen that amazing teaser trailer a dozen times or more, my hopes for a good-time are still very much alive. Please don’t let it stall.
13. X-Men Origins : Wolverine
There aren’t a lot of movies I’m hanging to see this year – and that might be the only reason why this one made the list. I’m not saying it’ll be a bad film, it might turn out to be quite OK, I think it’s just after Fox’s superhero entries of late (heck, Fox’s film’s of late!) and especially the last X-Men movie (the D.O.A “X-Men : The Last Stand”, sponsored by Phernergan) that I’m not exactly sure what we’re going to get with this one. I’m also not as convinced that Hugh Jackman knows what he’s doing at the moment – I mean, did anyone see that short-lived TV series of his (“Viva Laughlin”) last year? And what about “Australia”?
Still, Brett Ratner isn’t directing this and it was able to attract the likes of Live Schrieber, Taylor Kitsch and Ryan Reynolds… so how bad can it be? Let’s see if it can live up to its spot on this list.
One of the only superhero movies of the year (Marvel is taking a break) so it’s sure to do alright at the box office anyway.
14. 2012
Roland Emmerich’s latest tentpoler sees the world crumbling around John Cusack, Amanda Peet and Danny Glover.
Based, of course, on the old-guy-with-the-beard’s predictions that we’ll all be packing darkies in a couple of years time when E.T returns to earth to, well, rape Gertie and cap Elliot, this one tells of an academic researcher who leads a group of people in a fight to counteract the apocalyptic events that were predicted by the ancient Mayan calendar. Things will explode – likely landmarks.
Sure to be big on special effects! Don’t expect much more – but sometimes, as was the case of Emmerich’s “ID4” and “The Day After Tommorow”, that’s sometimes enough.
15. Assassination of a High School President
Whoever has been lucky enough to have seen this already is raving about it.
Bruce Willis headlines a relatively low-key cast (Mischa Barton, Kathryn Morris, Michael Rappaport) in the tale of a popular Catholic Schoolgirl who teams up with a sophomore newspaper reporter to investigate a case of stolen SAT exams. Once the duo target their suspects, a larger conspiracy is unearthed.
The film was supposed to be released last year but its production company, Yari Productions, went bankrupt – thus they couldn’t afford to be seen printing up posters at the time. Give them a few months to get back on their feet, convince the authorities they weren’t lying when they said they were broke, and they’ll release it (and hopefully at theatres).
