The Love Guru

By Clint Morris

There’s a rumour going round that Canadian comic Mike Myers got so into playing fatigued crazy-cat Steve Rubell in “54” (1998) that he forgot to switch ‘off’ from character when filmed ceased. Ever since, nobody’s been quite sure where Rubell ends and Myers begins.

In “54”, Myers played ‘Studio 54’ manager Rubell as a sad, fraught and slightly screw-loose character that got off on his own jokes – jokes only he seemed to be in on – and started to run his business into the ground.

Myers, who achieved huge success with both the “Wayne’s World” and “Austin Powers” movie franchises, has followed Steve Rubell’s lead – he’s drained his talent, hoping nobody notices that he’s now merely a washed-up, running on empty tank carcass devoid of any kind of creative inspiration.

Strangely enough, Myers has said his latest character, Guru Pitka, an unfunny Maharishi character inspired by the likes of Deepak Chopra, has been ten years in the making. He says he tested the character in clubs, and on the street, for about a decade before fine-tuning him for the big screen. Um, just one question Mike: Were those clubs empty and those streets deserted? Because there’s no way anyone, intoxicated or not intoxicated, could find anything even remotely funny about this underwritten character. There’s nothing there. Nothing at all. He’s got a funny chant (his mantra is “Mariska Hargitay’), a big nose, and likes to sing Nelson songs on his guitar. That’s the whole routine.

For some reason, Paramount – probably envisioning an “Austin Powers” success story, and likely taking on the project pre-script, based on Myers’ attachment – let Myers stretch the routine out over an hour-and-a-half. Ouch. The result is an unashamed mess. A stitched-together grab bag of fart jokes, celebrity cameos and somewhat-clever but dreadfully-delivered comic chants.

The story – as little as there is of one – sees Pitka, the no.2 Guru in the world, help the Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup. The End.

Jessica Alba has a thankless role as the team’s unappreciated owner, Verne Troyer (Mini-Me from the “Austin Powers” films) is the coach, Romany Malco (Tvs “Weeds”) is the star player, and Justin Timberlake – probably the best thing in the movie; does that say it all? – is the heavily endowed goalie. Ben Kingsley also makes an appearance (What could’ve been the most inspired bit of casting, one-time ‘Ghandi’ Kingsley playing the Guru to the Guru, is actually the worst bit of casting – and a lot of the blame lies with the Brit actor, he’s shocking. He sold out years ago, but one still can’t work out…why?) but he would’ve been better sitting it out.

“The Love Guru” is like one of Myers’ poorer skits from “Saturday Night Live” – only it lasts a few minutes, and this lasts 88.

Spare us the sequel. Spare us more Myers.