Caffeinated Clint
By Clint Morris
Try as Rob Cohen might, there’s no removing the dust and decay from his “Mummy”.
The latest in a long-line of too-little-too-late sequels (big hi to “Mummy” predecessor, Indiana Jones!), “The Mummy : Tomb of the Dragon Emperor” is a grubby flick if ever I’ve seen one. “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull” may have been a joint-the-dots joke, but this one’s a colour-by-numbers bore!
Shitty FX? Check! Woeful performances? Check! Crappy script? Check! Recast character? Check!
Not a lot of appeal here – but we should’ve seen it coming the moment Rachel Weisz (“The Constant Gardener”) opted not to reprise her role as lead chickie Evie O’Connell, the once-plucky wife of hero Rick (Brendan Fraser), shouldn’t we?
‘But!‘ I hear you say, ‘...She never would’ve come back – not after winning the Oscar!” …well, maybe, but remember, she did just do a little Ryan Reynolds comedy (“Definitely Maybe”) and a Christmas comedy (“Fred Claus”) – films you’d never see Cate Blanchett, Meryl Streep, or another Oscar Winner do. The comment suddenly becomes void, doesn’t it, my friends? The girl obviously smelt shit from the script’s first page – good nose, Rach!).
On page 1 of the script Weisz would’ve been treated to the sleepy backstory of the Emperor of Qin (Jet Li), an evil leader who was cursed by a wizard (Michelle Yoeg) centuries ago.
By about page 20, the Emperor will have come back to life – with thanks to our old friends Rick (Brendan Fraser), his wife Evie (Maria Bello) and now grown son Alex (Luke Ford) – and summoned up all sorts of CGI unpleasantries for our heroes to deal with.
As much as I genuinely enjoy Rob Cohen’s movies – he makes entertaining ‘crap’ films like “xXx” and “The Fast and the Furious” – he just wasn’t the right guy for this movie, and if only because it seems he hasn’t watched the original films! If he had have, he would’ve at least kept the characters in check. For instance, Cohen’s Evie O’Connell isn’t the same lass from the first two movies – and I’m not just referring to the fact that Maria Bello (“A History of Violence”, “The Cooler”) is now playing her – she’s been transformed from feisty fox to boring broad. And the director’s criminal misuse of John Hannah – the great comic relief from the first two films – reprising his role as Evie’s bumbling brother Jonathan, is shocking. The man has nothing to do. But then, you could say the same for star Fraser – who looks about as bored as a nun at sexpo.
Mostly though, this third “Mummy” should’ve stayed – excuse the pun – wrapped because it doesn’t embody a sense of fun, let alone thrill.
What made director Stephen Sommers’ first couple of “Mummy” movies work was that B-movie style combination of humour and adventure. Here, Cohen changes the well-worn but effective template with what he thinks the series needs – irregular moments of action (even those scenes aren’t half as well choreographed as those in the first), bland goofy humour, and predominantly, drama – yes, friggin’ Sally Field-type drama. Um, did the filmmaker even watch the first two movies!? Did he not see The Rock turn into a giant scorpion in the last film and chase Brendan Fraser around? What about the sandstorm in the shape of a giant face!? See that? Obviously not, otherwise he’d of known his drastic shift in tone would throw this one way off balance.
This series was always intended to be in the vein of a good old fashioned popcorn adventure movie – sort of like an “Indiana Jones” meets “King Solomon’s Mines” – not a dreadfully-plotted and uninvolving adventure film that’d struggle to find a distributor under any other name.
Extras
Commentary by Cohen, Deleted Scenes, a Making-Of; few other things – nothing I’d really care to sit through again.
