By Tosia Morris
There’s one thing that kept running through my mind whilst watching the eagerly anticipated (well, by the joke exec at Sony whose under the assumption that audiences are actually interested in this inane franchise!) ‘’Underworld’’ prequel – why the heck does Kate Beckinsale look so darn fugly!? Why has she gone and got hideous collagen implants!? Why do her dimples and mouth combine to form somewhat of a Cut-Joker look!? And why, oh why, does she have to make that annoying face!? (you’ll know the one when you see it – it’s part Renee Zellweger post-“Chicago†and part-Anna Lucia on “Lost). I was so uninterested in the thing, I didn’t even realize it was Rhona Mitra (TVs “Boston Legalâ€) listed in the opening credits and not the significantly-superior Beckinsale. Why would Sony even consider doing another one of these films without its best (or only) asset – the attractive and intriguing British dame Beckinsale!? It’s madness!
But you know what? Beckinsale or no Beckinsale this thing would’ve still been about as enjoyable as having teeth pulled. It’s the longest 93 minutes of your life I tell ya. And though I don’t doubt the beautiful Beckinsale (whose not a bad actress actually – check out “Laurel Canyon†or “The Aviatorâ€) could’ve probably done a better job in the heroine slot, it’s much more endurable (and maybe shamefully entertaining) seeing someone less gifted get gutted. She’s a smart girl for passing on the third round of this third chapter.
For those lucky enough to escape the first two films, they were overtly bland (or is that ‘overtly blue’? the colour palette of the films had more blue than a porno collection) vampire vs. werewolf movies starring Kate Beckinsale as a good-gal bloodsucker and Scott Speedman as a very wimpy werewolf. Bill Nighy played the lead vampire baddie and Michael Sheen played the lead wolf rogue. Somewhere in the two movies I’m told there’s action, suspense and even thrills – or did the DVD sleeve lie to me again? Most say it did.
Quite frankly, I haven’t the foggiest what was going on in this one – it’s just an over-ambitious mess – so I’ll rely on the production notes to spell out the story : “The prequel to the first two films tracing the origins of the centuries-old blood feud between the aristocratic vampires known as Death Dealers, and their one-time slaves, the Lycans.
In the Dark Ages, a young Lycan named Lucian (Michael Sheen) emerges as a powerful leader who rallies the werewolves to rise up against Viktor (Bill Nighy), the cruel vampire king who has enslaved them. Lucian is joined by his secret lover, Sonja (Rhona Mitra), in his battle against the Death Dealer army and his struggle for Lycan freedom.â€
If you didn’t enjoy the first two movies, quite frankly, you’re going to hate this even more. And I probably shouldn’t at all be surprised it’s a stinker – after all, it’s star, and the franchise’s director, are AWOL.
Beckinsale and Len Wiseman, director of the first two films, have caught a raft from the sinking ship – I suppose if you find yourself swimming in unfriendly seaweed in the ocean, you’re going to eventually try and free yourself from free it, right? – and it’s probably the smartest decisions of their careers (or ‘career’ since they’re married and therefore all decisions are made as one unit; heh, like that Clint!).
Creature designer Patrick Tatopoulos is in his element when making computer-generated monsters – and there’s some good ones on show here, you see them in the rare moments that the screen isn’t licorice black! Could it be any darker, Pat? Do you not want this to play at Drive-In’s!? – but is one degree short of knowing how to direct a good action movie.
No husband of mine is forcing an “Underworld 4” on me – not even if the evening includes choc-tops, that beautifully-caramelized cinema soft-drink, and, well, a ‘hairy’ Scott Speedman.
Extras
(Extras Unpreviewed)
