Caffeinated Clint
Lloyd would have to be the most unauthentic and annoying child star to grace a screen
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sinbad, Phil Hartman, Rita Wilson, Robert Conrad, Martin Mull, Jake Lloyd, James Belushi
Every couple of weeks on his show, Conan O’Brien has a fake Arnold Schwarzenegger on – its essentially just a picture of the Governor with the lips cut out of the photo so that someone can make it look like his mouth is moving, and therefore, talking – and they can’t help but take a swipe (and a deserved one, don’t get me wrong) at Schwarzenegger’s Christmas clunker, “Jingle All the Way”; usually it’s in the form of the Oak stressing that it’s a timeless holiday classic!
Which it isn’t, of course.
You know what though? As mediocre a movie as it is, and as unfitting a movie it was for Schwarzenegger, Brian Levant’s poorly-received 1996 kiddie comedy has had the last laugh. It only cost $60 million to make and over time – mainly streaming from its video/DVD revenue – it’s more than just broken even, it’s near tripled its budget. Not bad for a film that’s considered one of the low points of Schwarzenegger’s career. (And to further stress the point, some of Schwarzenegger’s more fan-friendly action efforts, like “Eraser” and “End of Days”, didn’t profit a helluva lot more).
The problem with “Jingle All the Way” is that it’s not for Schwarzenegger. He just doesn’t fit it. Its way too sugary a vehicle for the man who slaughtered a dozen Sarah Connor’s to be doing. “Twins”, you can understand working, because it was a rare comedy outing for the big man and a wicked pitch, but this and “Junior” – yeah, that bore where he played a guy that was, er, pregnant – just didn’t sit well with fans. It’s a case of an actor believing he’s much more than his one-trick pony persona – in this case, Schwarzenegger believing he’s much more than a muscly action man that’s all quick quips and neck snaps – and going right out of his way to prove it. Ultimately, it did more to harm his career than help it.
Not to say “Jingle” might’ve been any better if someone more suitable – say a James Belushi (who actually has a role in the film, but may have been better suited to the lead role) or an Eddie Murphy – had’ve done it, and not Schwarzenegger. It probably wouldn’t have been. The script doesn’t really feature anything very novel nor does it encompass any gags likely to appeal to anyone over the age of 8. Considering most of the Oak’s fans are at least in their teens, which was a bit of a blunder on his behalf.
Compared to his young co-star Jake Lloyd (the ever so annoying Anakin Skywalker in “Star Wars Episode One : The Phantom Menace”), Schwarzenegger is more than just tolerable, he’s OK. Lloyd would have to be the most unauthentic and annoying child star to grace a screen – – – like his “Star Wars” alter-ego, he’s part Robot – just watch him try and deliver a line; it’s excruciating to watch.
Injustices aside, “Jingle All the Way” is entertaining enough – its got a great cast (Sinbad, Rita Wilson, Phil Hartman, Harry Shearer and the abovesaid Belushi, playing a crooked Santa Claus), and is pacey and vibrant enough to hold both big and little kids’ attentions, but as a Schwarzenegger vehicle it, well, should’ve been Terminated before it could even get out of the gate.
The new ‘Family Fun Edition’ DVD is a real ruse – for starters, the ‘commentary’ they say is on the DVD is nowhere to be found (I checked everywhere for it, even the ‘audio’ and ‘languages’ section where these things sometimes hide). And as for the extras? What kind of family is likely to have fun with these few tedious featurettes? A mock Behind-the-Music (in this case ‘Behind-the-Mask’) on the fictional ‘Turbo Man’ character? Sheesh… 8 year olds aren’t likely to even get the joke, let alone enjoy the featurette.
Rating : 
Reviewer : Clint Morris
